When hurt comes knocking - What to do?

This is one of those times. Hurt came knocking in multiple ways. First it appeared like a big wave and knocked me off my feet. Slamming my upright body into the sea. Being an unskilled swimmer, I struggled the most. I clutched at the water but how many know how futile that is? So wham! I am thrown up, down and about in the sea. My pain and bruises appearing all at the same time. My tears join the body of water. Yet, I am able to breathe and somehow I make it back to shore.

Phew! My sigh was barely out when I felt a quick burning sensation on my skin. Weals and rashes soon showed up and stayed for a few days. A smaller hurt but hurt all the same.

Then I would re-live the experience. The moment the big wave heat me and I would feel it again. I tried to relay how re-living it hurt. People listened for the most part but every once in a while something distracts them and hurt knocks again because to you, everything should have stopped. The world should be on standstill. That was a major shake up in the landscape of your life.

I could go on with my imagery but my heart says different. The waves that hit was a loss of a dear friend, the rashes are regrets of some sort in the wake of the news and the re-living the experience isn't masked. It continues even now in varying degrees.

So what do you do when hurt comes knocking? I cry. A whole lot. Then, I cry again. I truly believe tears are a language God understands. Crying often ends with a comforting calmness so I highly recommend it to any of you out there grasping for breath as wave after wave wash over you. Let the tears flow - you are in deep water anyway. This, for me, is the first thing to do.

After crying and calmness, I write. There's something about capturing that emotion that helps it heal. I know we are all not born writers but I would still recommend it. Just the act of listing what you are feeling and then either ripping up the paper or saving it truly helps. The doing makes it more real and you need that. Let this be number two or skip it if you want to.

When writing is done or if you skipped it, I would suggest you find a song. In the midst of the waves there can be melody. It may not feel so but with a little research someone else who's been there, dunnit, might have just the perfect song and playing it helps the healing process. It may even make the first two processes easier. What relief I felt when I found the song... somehow the hurt diminishes a tad.

Last thing to do is one we all know. Give it time. Healing doesn't just happen. It takes time.

Personally, this is what Walking does to continue to walk.

Nostalgia

Today I longed for my father's house for no just cause I just felt the pull. I wanted to be able to look out the window from the kitchen and hear raindrops fall on the cast iron pots stacked behind the house.

I wanted to be able to run outside to the clothes line and hurriedly unpeg clothes whilst tasting the rain.

For a minute I thought I was back there in fact I smelled the freshness in the air after rain fall. I imagined myself walking to the sugarcane plant and grazing it's leaves until it's blade cut me and I felt the pain here only it was a paper cut.

I wanted to be able to chew dandy, suck on butter mints and malta but instead, I ate some jelly beans.

It really would have made a big difference if I could have eaten suya but I settled for minced meat with extra hot chilli sauce the chilli made me feel that much better.

Today, I knew I could not let end without a visit here, without this post for this nostalgic feeling, I could so easily cure.

As this year ends, so does this blog.

I deliberated on this for a long while and decided this blog has indeed fulfilled it's purpose and should end. I began 2008 unsure about many things and confused on several levels. I was also just out of 2007, a year that I believe tested my personal strengths and relationships in unimagineable ways and yet there I was still standing.

That really was why I started this blog. It was my way of helping others who perhaps were going through life's challenges and had scoured the internet for help as I did tons of time in 2007 and got nothing.

Along the way, this blog became more than that...in fact, I don't even know that it was ever just that but I did my best to post as I felt led and I believe readers have picked up all sorts from here whilst learning more about me, my family and my life.

I will naturally continue to blog and write, just not on here anymore. For some who know me in real life, you know where I am headed blogwise as for others, you will eventually find me.

Can I say thank you to all of you who have followed and read my posts this year. You made walking life's road so much fun. I will miss you all as much as I will miss posting on here but I now have to walk purposefully away.

xoxo Walking on off!

Christmas from beneath the tree...tradition

'I will make a little boy happy' said the cute train track set that sat in a box carefully wrapped in bright green shimmering wrapping paper with red leaves printed all over it. The box sat in the middle of other beautifully wrapped gifts underneath the heavily decorated Christmas tree. The train track set was absolutely right. Tio beamed from ear to ear when he screamed " for me!"

Only a few weeks ago my fine man and I decided we would set some sort of Christmas tradition. So we laid beds underneath the Christmas tree for the children to sleep on through the night. It turned out that we all ended up sleeping there and it was fun. It was this same fun space that now housed the presents making our kiddies jump for joy and exclaim excitedly as they ripped them open.

Hard to believe we were awake already after all the previous day had been spent shopping and enjoying the outdoors. Yes we went to the Mall of America. We set out as early as possible and did not leave until the shops were beginning to close.

Upside of the day - me getting a brand new super warm winter coat: perfect for this bitter cold climate and also snow shoveling.

Downside of the day - Throbbing arms lugging heavy bags, attached to exhausted bodies under aching feet looking for our parking lot!!! That had to be the lowest moment. We parambulated so much that I had to sit down and take deep breathes or I would have burst an artery. Finally, after about 30minutes we got to the car.

Now, reflecting on all these, I can't but recall scenes from my childhood. Bringing out and decorating the tree stands out in my recollection. Perhaps it's why our own newly created tradition has something to do with the tree. Perhaps not. A scene from yesterday's outing follows that of my childhood. A certain gentleman wanting his tiny little kids to go on some roller coaster rides they clearly weren't old enough to get on for the mere fact that as a child he most probably hadn't experienced it. So as we set traditions or not, may we remember to live our lives not others' and to let our children live their's too. For didn't this season's reason do just that?

Everything Christmasy

We all have our favourite parts of this holiday. I like everything christmasy. Cookies, parties, carols, reflection and lots of shopping!!! The bigest shopping mall in US; perhaps in the world is only a few minutes drive from me. This mall is as big as Bluewater plus Lakeside mutiplied by 2 (thats for you UK folks) and then throw in Thorpe Park. I am excited about hitting the shops there in a few days just before Christmas. It promises to be loads of fun! (wink).

Books, Books and More Books

I have been volunteering and interning at this Literary Center which has been interesting in many ways. This Wednesday, however, I went to work at a Center that provides early education for children. My task: help in creating a staff library. 25 boxes of books had been donated to them through a friend of a late Professor from the Uof M. Imagine that, 25 boxes of books!!!

We only got through a few boxes that day. Some of those books had been well read some seemed not to have been opened but my respect for this man who I never met grew by the minute. You could catch a glimpse of his life from those books. He certainly had a reading culture and was an intelligient man. His books were about several different subjects and by many different authors.

Consider this mix: Sigmund Freud, The Audacity of Hope, Jhumpha Lahiri, Charming Billy, The Jewish Bible, One Bowl (a cookery book) amongst others.

There were several books on Disability and Leadership and Management too. You could tell those were subjects he was passionate about. Going through those books I could not help but think how much what we read impacts on who we become. We may not all have a Library created in our honor but by all means we can all have a more developed mind.

I looked at my collection of books on returning home, remembered how getting those 3 boxes across the atlantic had been difficult and further determined that the books like my reading must increase. Afterall, I do not want to be wilfully ignorant. Besides, I believe our walk in life to any point is shortened some when we don't re-invent the wheel instead we learn through others. Abraham Lincoln put it this way: " a capacity and taste for reading gives access to whatever has already been discovered by others."

A lesson from cookies

We got a massive christmas box of lovely looking caramelicious chocolatey sugarful home made cookies from a friend. The kind you see and your eyes widen, you open and grin then you pick one wolf it down and go back for more. The same kind you sometimes just go into the kitchen to check that it's still there. Yep! That kind of box. I have of course been indulging myself.

In-house Cookie Disburser

For whatever reason, I figured our family of four needed an in-house cookie disburser. You know someone who made sure we ate them "equally" and for the children who ensured they had only so little because "we don't want a tummy ache do we?". As this was a matter of great importance, who else could be better suited than one with such passion for cookies and other treats: Me. I got the job and I am working hard at it; so much so that I have been rewarding myself with even more cookies for a job well done.

Cookie Dispenser

We agreed it was simply too much cookies for one family so we decided we had to give some away and I again applied for this job. Well, someone had to make sure we kept some of our favourites (afterall, they were all ours anyway). So, I have been filling up much smaller boxes and giving away cookies to our guests/friends and other cookie lovers.

Cookie Monster

Yesterday, we had some relatives over. I had called to ask about their cookie stance in advance and packaged some for them to take away. Well, this one relative wasn't just happy to take what I had packaged. She wanted to see the rest and even picked some extras whilst I watched and even asked encouragingly "are you sure that is enough?". It wasn't until she had gone and I found my thoughts still lingering on the fact that she took the last of my favourite cookie that I had a check. I realised how my attitude the entire cookie period mirrored that of a monster.

Self discovery and lessons at last

I had called it different names, pretended that rationing the cookies was really looking out for my children and portrayed myself as generous whilst giving away the cookies when in fact, I was just really rooting for number one. What worsened it was that no one was ever vying for the cookies with me! It reminded me however of the all important lesson: true giving is sincere and from the heart. This Christmas period, may we all release our 'monsters' and give as we ought; as in fact, we were given.