Walking Life's road.

When hurt comes knocking - What to do?

2009-04-15T07:47:00.000-07:00

This is one of those times. Hurt came knocking in multiple ways. First it appeared like a big wave and knocked me off my feet. Slamming my upright body into the sea. Being an unskilled swimmer, I struggled the most. I clutched at the water but how many know how futile that is? So wham! I am thrown up, down and about in the sea. My pain and bruises appearing all at the same time. My tears join the body of water. Yet, I am able to breathe and somehow I make it back to shore.

Phew! My sigh was barely out when I felt a quick burning sensation on my skin. Weals and rashes soon showed up and stayed for a few days. A smaller hurt but hurt all the same.

Then I would re-live the experience. The moment the big wave heat me and I would feel it again. I tried to relay how re-living it hurt. People listened for the most part but every once in a while something distracts them and hurt knocks again because to you, everything should have stopped. The world should be on standstill. That was a major shake up in the landscape of your life.

I could go on with my imagery but my heart says different. The waves that hit was a loss of a dear friend, the rashes are regrets of some sort in the wake of the news and the re-living the experience isn't masked. It continues even now in varying degrees.

So what do you do when hurt comes knocking? I cry. A whole lot. Then, I cry again. I truly believe tears are a language God understands. Crying often ends with a comforting calmness so I highly recommend it to any of you out there grasping for breath as wave after wave wash over you. Let the tears flow - you are in deep water anyway. This, for me, is the first thing to do.

After crying and calmness, I write. There's something about capturing that emotion that helps it heal. I know we are all not born writers but I would still recommend it. Just the act of listing what you are feeling and then either ripping up the paper or saving it truly helps. The doing makes it more real and you need that. Let this be number two or skip it if you want to.

When writing is done or if you skipped it, I would suggest you find a song. In the midst of the waves there can be melody. It may not feel so but with a little research someone else who's been there, dunnit, might have just the perfect song and playing it helps the healing process. It may even make the first two processes easier. What relief I felt when I found the song... somehow the hurt diminishes a tad.

Last thing to do is one we all know. Give it time. Healing doesn't just happen. It takes time.

Personally, this is what Walking does to continue to walk.

Nostalgia

2009-03-25T19:05:00.001-07:00

Today I longed for my father's house for no just cause I just felt the pull. I wanted to be able to look out the window from the kitchen and hear raindrops fall on the cast iron pots stacked behind the house.

I wanted to be able to run outside to the clothes line and hurriedly unpeg clothes whilst tasting the rain.

For a minute I thought I was back there in fact I smelled the freshness in the air after rain fall. I imagined myself walking to the sugarcane plant and grazing it's leaves until it's blade cut me and I felt the pain here only it was a paper cut.

I wanted to be able to chew dandy, suck on butter mints and malta but instead, I ate some jelly beans.

It really would have made a big difference if I could have eaten suya but I settled for minced meat with extra hot chilli sauce the chilli made me feel that much better.

Today, I knew I could not let end without a visit here, without this post for this nostalgic feeling, I could so easily cure.

As this year ends, so does this blog.

2008-12-29T06:21:00.000-08:00

I deliberated on this for a long while and decided this blog has indeed fulfilled it's purpose and should end. I began 2008 unsure about many things and confused on several levels. I was also just out of 2007, a year that I believe tested my personal strengths and relationships in unimagineable ways and yet there I was still standing.

That really was why I started this blog. It was my way of helping others who perhaps were going through life's challenges and had scoured the internet for help as I did tons of time in 2007 and got nothing.

Along the way, this blog became more than that...in fact, I don't even know that it was ever just that but I did my best to post as I felt led and I believe readers have picked up all sorts from here whilst learning more about me, my family and my life.

I will naturally continue to blog and write, just not on here anymore. For some who know me in real life, you know where I am headed blogwise as for others, you will eventually find me.

Can I say thank you to all of you who have followed and read my posts this year. You made walking life's road so much fun. I will miss you all as much as I will miss posting on here but I now have to walk purposefully away.

xoxo Walking on off!

Christmas from beneath the tree...tradition

2008-12-25T11:37:00.000-08:00

'I will make a little boy happy' said the cute train track set that sat in a box carefully wrapped in bright green shimmering wrapping paper with red leaves printed all over it. The box sat in the middle of other beautifully wrapped gifts underneath the heavily decorated Christmas tree. The train track set was absolutely right. Tio beamed from ear to ear when he screamed " for me!"

Only a few weeks ago my fine man and I decided we would set some sort of Christmas tradition. So we laid beds underneath the Christmas tree for the children to sleep on through the night. It turned out that we all ended up sleeping there and it was fun. It was this same fun space that now housed the presents making our kiddies jump for joy and exclaim excitedly as they ripped them open.

Hard to believe we were awake already after all the previous day had been spent shopping and enjoying the outdoors. Yes we went to the Mall of America. We set out as early as possible and did not leave until the shops were beginning to close.

Upside of the day - me getting a brand new super warm winter coat: perfect for this bitter cold climate and also snow shoveling.

Downside of the day - Throbbing arms lugging heavy bags, attached to exhausted bodies under aching feet looking for our parking lot!!! That had to be the lowest moment. We parambulated so much that I had to sit down and take deep breathes or I would have burst an artery. Finally, after about 30minutes we got to the car.

Now, reflecting on all these, I can't but recall scenes from my childhood. Bringing out and decorating the tree stands out in my recollection. Perhaps it's why our own newly created tradition has something to do with the tree. Perhaps not. A scene from yesterday's outing follows that of my childhood. A certain gentleman wanting his tiny little kids to go on some roller coaster rides they clearly weren't old enough to get on for the mere fact that as a child he most probably hadn't experienced it. So as we set traditions or not, may we remember to live our lives not others' and to let our children live their's too. For didn't this season's reason do just that?

Everything Christmasy

2008-12-22T10:04:00.000-08:00

We all have our favourite parts of this holiday. I like everything christmasy. Cookies, parties, carols, reflection and lots of shopping!!! The bigest shopping mall in US; perhaps in the world is only a few minutes drive from me. This mall is as big as Bluewater plus Lakeside mutiplied by 2 (thats for you UK folks) and then throw in Thorpe Park. I am excited about hitting the shops there in a few days just before Christmas. It promises to be loads of fun! (wink).

Books, Books and More Books

2008-12-19T06:02:00.000-08:00

I have been volunteering and interning at this Literary Center which has been interesting in many ways. This Wednesday, however, I went to work at a Center that provides early education for children. My task: help in creating a staff library. 25 boxes of books had been donated to them through a friend of a late Professor from the Uof M. Imagine that, 25 boxes of books!!!

We only got through a few boxes that day. Some of those books had been well read some seemed not to have been opened but my respect for this man who I never met grew by the minute. You could catch a glimpse of his life from those books. He certainly had a reading culture and was an intelligient man. His books were about several different subjects and by many different authors.

Consider this mix: Sigmund Freud, The Audacity of Hope, Jhumpha Lahiri, Charming Billy, The Jewish Bible, One Bowl (a cookery book) amongst others.

There were several books on Disability and Leadership and Management too. You could tell those were subjects he was passionate about. Going through those books I could not help but think how much what we read impacts on who we become. We may not all have a Library created in our honor but by all means we can all have a more developed mind.

I looked at my collection of books on returning home, remembered how getting those 3 boxes across the atlantic had been difficult and further determined that the books like my reading must increase. Afterall, I do not want to be wilfully ignorant. Besides, I believe our walk in life to any point is shortened some when we don't re-invent the wheel instead we learn through others. Abraham Lincoln put it this way: " a capacity and taste for reading gives access to whatever has already been discovered by others."

A lesson from cookies

2008-12-17T14:17:00.000-08:00

We got a massive christmas box of lovely looking caramelicious chocolatey sugarful home made cookies from a friend. The kind you see and your eyes widen, you open and grin then you pick one wolf it down and go back for more. The same kind you sometimes just go into the kitchen to check that it's still there. Yep! That kind of box. I have of course been indulging myself.

In-house Cookie Disburser

For whatever reason, I figured our family of four needed an in-house cookie disburser. You know someone who made sure we ate them "equally" and for the children who ensured they had only so little because "we don't want a tummy ache do we?". As this was a matter of great importance, who else could be better suited than one with such passion for cookies and other treats: Me. I got the job and I am working hard at it; so much so that I have been rewarding myself with even more cookies for a job well done.

Cookie Dispenser

We agreed it was simply too much cookies for one family so we decided we had to give some away and I again applied for this job. Well, someone had to make sure we kept some of our favourites (afterall, they were all ours anyway). So, I have been filling up much smaller boxes and giving away cookies to our guests/friends and other cookie lovers.

Cookie Monster

Yesterday, we had some relatives over. I had called to ask about their cookie stance in advance and packaged some for them to take away. Well, this one relative wasn't just happy to take what I had packaged. She wanted to see the rest and even picked some extras whilst I watched and even asked encouragingly "are you sure that is enough?". It wasn't until she had gone and I found my thoughts still lingering on the fact that she took the last of my favourite cookie that I had a check. I realised how my attitude the entire cookie period mirrored that of a monster.

Self discovery and lessons at last

I had called it different names, pretended that rationing the cookies was really looking out for my children and portrayed myself as generous whilst giving away the cookies when in fact, I was just really rooting for number one. What worsened it was that no one was ever vying for the cookies with me! It reminded me however of the all important lesson: true giving is sincere and from the heart. This Christmas period, may we all release our 'monsters' and give as we ought; as in fact, we were given.

15 minutes writing

2008-12-11T09:24:00.000-08:00

Some of us will never achieve the 4hour non-stop writing that I often hear people talk about. You know those who wake up in the early hours of the day and just stay with it. The more disciplined ones.

I however realise that as with everything else practice makes perfect and committing to 15 minutes at a time is by far easier and might I add more achieveable than any of the other grandiose plans we make.

You might wonder what can you possible write in 15 minutes. Loads. In 15 minutes, I can do any one of the below:

1. Think about and write down 10 article ideas.
2. Complete the first draft of an article - one side of A4.
3. Type 2 query letters or letters asking for information
4. Certainly do a blog post - this one has taken me less than 15 minutes.
5. Research for an article idea.
6. Read a chapter of a book - yes it has something to do with writing!

Like me, you may also be able to do any one of the above or maybe more in 15 minutes. So quit worrying about time and how you just can't concentrate for such a long time and come onboard with me and be a 15 minutes writer. By the way, who says you can't have several 15 minutes sessions in your day?

Praise looks good on you

2008-12-09T11:10:00.000-08:00

There are many things we take for granted in our lives and it takes testimonies like the one in the previous post to make us realise how nothing should be taken for granted.

I have wondered like the Psalmist "What is man that thou art mindful of him?"That thou should visit him" and reached one conclusion:

Morning noon and night my praise will rise to you for all you are and will always be even when I do not yet know nor fully understand you in all your different ways for praise looks good on you.

Nightmarish experience

2008-12-08T10:42:00.000-08:00

If you were a fly in my home today you would have seen me vacuuming vigorously before washing all the dishes, shovelling snow and then tidying up everywhere. My reaction to unpalatable news is usually a calmness that is most often accompanied with energy. Lots of energy!!!

Flash back to two months ago. Sometime in October at about 9pm, I was watching a movie, the bell rang and two policemen knocked on the lady's door and informed her of a loved one's passing. Tears stung my eyes momentarily but I was distracted by my own doorbell ringing. My fine man was not due back until at least 10pm so I wondered who could be at the door. I moved along quickly turning on the light in the hall way and asked "who's there?" I heard the one word I just heard in the movie: 'Police'. Trembling hands opened the door but it turned out they had the wrong house. Phew! Yet for some weird reason I spent the next few minutes praying against it. My overactive and imaginative brain having transported me for all of 5 seconds to a world where I felt bereft.

Further flash back to sometime during Summer 08. I woke up drenched in sweat and praying. I'd just awoken from a bad bad dream. The one in which my fine man had an accident and his leg was trapped and then there was smoke everywhere. Again I prayed.

Today, I relieved these two experiences. My phone rang a few hours ago and it showed unknown. I answered and it was the Police: my fine man had been involved in an accident. I think I lost my sense of hearing for a few seconds then I heard his voice and he explained that someone had just ran into him. (It's been snowing loads here and not many people can handle driving in the snow). Anyway, he says he's fine but his leg really hurts and the ambulance was on the way then I had to get off the phone. That's when my adrenaline level shot up and I attacked dirt, germs and all forms of disorderliness in our home.

Just before I came to write this, I spoke with my fine man again. The other car that ran into him burst into flames. Ours lost its windscreen and all the front area. Things are still being sorted out but I just could not resist the urge to come here and share a small lesson. Never ever ever ignore them bad feelings; often it's God's way of saying get on your knees.

Flies or Fine Art?

2008-12-05T10:38:00.000-08:00

Marriage has been defined in so many ways and any married person can attest to the fact that no other single relationship brings out so many varied emotions.

Two descriptions:

"Marriage is like a window with flies on both sides. Those on the inside are trying to get out and those on the outside are trying to get in". Author unknown

"Getting married is hard, staying married is more difficult and staying happily married for the long haul is a fine Art". Author unknown

Which would you rather have?

Now is the time..

2008-12-04T06:43:00.000-08:00

For me to stop making excuses!

I have been innundated with good news from friends and family members who keep defying the odds and acheiving stuff that they had previously thought was impossible. I get the impression they are now all waiting for me.

It's my turn now and I am actually ready.

A labourer is worthy of his wages

2008-12-02T07:44:00.000-08:00

It was back in my Fatherland that I learnt to commit that verse to memory. I had carried out some work for a certain local government and they just refused to pay me. It took several months of parambulating and making it crystal clear that I wasn't just going to dissappear for me to finally get them to cough up my hard earned money.

Then I moved abroad and soon forgot about all that until recently. For the upteenth time, I have just been discussing with someone who should have been paid a few days ago and the management of the company are making up tales. Excuses galore. Small wonder that people can't make plans or set up direct debits!

It bothers me that in a country such as ours where a place of worship is practically on every street and people are so fervent about God, a basic thing like paying people their salaries at the end of the month can't be taken for granted. Argh!

I even hear stories of some people who wait several months before they get paid and even then not all the back payments are made. I think there is something fundamentally wrong here. I think that people should quit the religiousity and just do the right thing.

How can people be so inhumane? Worse still, how can people accept and live with this? We need to have a more ' whatever it takes attitude'. We need to learn to fight more. We need to learn to stand up for our rights. Someone I mentioned this to earlier today said 'our people are immune to these things' that in itself worries me. How do we not see that being immune to anything that is substandard is eroding our system the more and opening us to easier acceptance of even more substandardness?

Still in thankful mode

2008-11-29T19:38:00.000-08:00

I titled this and the thought came to me. I really should always be in thankful mode. Not all weeks will be like the one I just had. Certainly not all days will be like today.

Today - I did nothing. I just hung out with my fine man and the kids and lazed about all day. Our main goal was to do nothing and just enjoy our agenda free day - you all should try it sometime it's a mega stress buster plus good quality time with the family.

We used to do it weekly back in London. Almost every saturday we'll be holed up in our apartment by choice and not answer phones. Sometimes we would watch a movie or cook lots of food. Most times we just ate junk and slept in that order for the whole day and then it stopped.

A wedding, a birthday, all sorts of functions started coming up and soon Lazy Saturday was out of our lives. Today, we brought it back and I am thankful for that.

Multiple celebrations, hosting people, helping out...and a new job.

2008-11-28T15:57:00.000-08:00

This week's been busy and fun what with thanksgiving and my birthday being in it. I had such a difficult weekend last week. I was ill and generally off ...contemplated quitting blogging ... yeah I was that off! Yet the week that followed has proved to be one of the best since arriving here. This will be similar to a diary entry ...

The beginning
There I was under the duvet voiceless and sweating loads! The children were behaving and I decided to go online. I visited a few sites and sent my resumes around ( I am getting ready for when the stay home mom role ends in a few months). A few hours later, I got an email back from one of the roles I wanted and to cut the long story short, by Monday I was interviewed and had a job offer. The icing on the cake is it's a job that I can do from home - I am thankful for that - and whilst there are some dynamics involved I am not bothering about those because what's already happened is bigger than that... .

Tuesday had me attending a thanksgiving party at Tio's school. Yes, I volunteered. I am committed to 'OIOI' - Operation Improve Our Image. So I mingled with 3 other mums and experienced a day in the life of my toddler. Fun! One of the mums irked me some but OIOI kicked in and I managed to say nicely ' you know we all do things differently'. She was yapping on about how we ' the new mums whose kids just started school there' were not following directions - imagine!

Wednesday is my internship day and once I was done I hit the shops. I wished a certain lady was with me - yeah you!

Thursday - Thanksgiving - an American holiday that I think should be celebrated all over the world. We had a couple of invites and decided to go for the one that allowed us the most flexibility and it was so much fun. We ate loads and I was indeed thankful and it was also my birthday so we had guests over too. Guests who hardly ate and actually made snide remarks about my cooking in Uni - I know! They need filters right? Still, this lady was having none of it. I was determined to stay on the high and I did too thankfully.

Friday - Black Friday as they call it here - again we hit the shops and yes I wanted us to do it together - btw lots of Ben 10 are they still into that? - I came home filled bags and giggling children in tow. I'm glad thats part of our Christmas shopping done... I am thankful for all these ...this week's been great.

It's a one man game not a competition!

2008-11-20T06:58:00.000-08:00

Life. We only get the one, because of this we want to make the best of it. So we strive to excel in everything ultimately seeking to become an impact player on global issues; to be a household name; to change lives and leave a legacy when we finally kick the bucket.

This is perhaps the reason why we are so competitive to the point where it becomes annoying. Competition births long lasting sibling rivalry, family feuds and clicks in social circles to mention a few. Whilst stilll in thinking mode and listening to someone the other day I had the realisation: life is a game and a jolly good one too but it is not a competiton!

We all have different roles to fulfil and we would do better spending time out to find what it is we should be doing and becoming the best in that field than looking over our shoulders and trying to keep up with the Jones.

I am generally not materialistic...oh I love good things but I love meeting people's needs more and whilst that is a good thing it's a 'me' thing. I don't expect everyone to be like me but then they also should not be condescending simply because the idea of what I do may not sit well with them. It's not about who is the better giver or better person or even better anything. It's about everyone fulfilling their calling!

I see many disatisfied people who are in my opinion chasing after someone else or thinking some one else has an easier ride. Why not hone the skills you have and quit begruding the guy whose father helped him! I try to do things on my own but I will also not condemn any who uses connection. We have to use what we have to get ahead and besides why in the world would you want your person to start where you started if you can give a leg up?

Back to my main issue, life as I view it is meant to be a place filled with very different people who all excel in varied areas and celeberate that diversity. It is definitely not you being unable to commend someone's good efforts because you are reeling with jealousy. Nor is it you being insanely angry over a neighbour's success just because it wasn't you.

Competitiveness is good when we are vying for a prize. Like in the Olympics or other such things. There is clearly a defined goal and prizes for winners. There are rules and hurdles that have to be met. Life isn't like that. Or can anyone tell me what prize there is for competing in everyday life? What do you get for being the best dressed? Driving the best car? Being the best critic? I could go on? Most likely you get many unhappy days because it's impossible to be the best like that all the time plus it suggests other issues like insecurity exists in the mix.

To end, I believe we all do whatever we do in life to be happy or to make life happy for someone else. We can acheive that with this realisation: it's a one man game! You are not in a race or competition with anyone. Not even your spouse! Yeah, I had to snuff that one out too! I've been that woman....resenting his ability to go out and use his degree and leave me with 2 toddlers who demand more and more of me, afterall I went to school too and I was even top range in my class'... or concluding that my friends have better deals because they are not saddled with small children everywhere they go every single day'. Come on, it is not a competition!!!! There are no good/better deals.

It is life. You get the one and whilst you strive to be the best you can be in your game, let that be because you want to break new records for yourself and nothing else. Live your life and whilst you are at it make a conscious effort to be happy in your one man game, now that's a legacy in itself!

Everywhere you go....

2008-11-18T11:14:00.000-08:00

...you are there! Dreams are wonderful for several reasons. Sometimes because they motivate us and propel us to do more. Other times because they cushion the realities of life and we draw comfort from them. I am a dreamer myself.

However, unrealistic dreams/expectations can be dangerous. Often we think that changing things or circumastances will take us closer to our dreams but this is mostly untrue because the most important ingredient in realising the dream; you, is probably not changing and thus no new result is seen.

Case in point ~ There's this lady living in a 2 bed apartment and believes moving into a 3/4bed house would afford her more space. So she sets her heart to doing just that. She forgets that the reason her apartment is so dark and spaceless is because of the junk she's crammed in there over the years. Check out the number of appliances that are not working but are still in the kitchen!

A quick look in her wardrobes reveal clothes of different UK sizes, some 10 because once upon a time she was that size and she hopes to get back there. Others 12 beause you know, getting back to 10 won't happen in a day and then the rest are 14: her present day size. When you look further down the rail you see some never worn dresses in size 16 and before your eyebrows are arched she says 'they were so beautiful and they did not have it in other sizes' yet this lady's dream is to have a clutter- free home, lose some weight and save more money. Yeah right!

She sludges through the lengthy house buying process and moves into a 3 bedroom house. A few months later, a visit shows that everything is as it used to be. Crammed, dark and spaceless! She's scouting through the papers again for a bigger place. You wonder when she'll get it.

Dreaming is neither wrong nor bad. The problem is thinking acheiving the dream will fill a void or bring more happinesss because it hardly ever does. That part is for you and only you to do. A sure way to start is loving yourself and getting rid of whatever vices need to go...that will do more good than any move will ever do. . . because everywhere you go; there you are!

Writing and me so far...

2008-11-17T14:40:00.001-08:00

This month: my month is almost gone and this is where I am at where my writing is concerned.

I have written a few new things. Starred alot at my PC and read half of two books. I am not moving at the pace I intended. My already revisted and ammended several times goals are not in sight but I am ecstatic.

Everytime I start a new piece of work I am happy and stay so for several days if I complete it. So, much as my dreams remain unhatched, I am smiling in the way a pregnant woman smiles to herself when she remembers she's carrying a baby long before she informs her friends and family and certainly before she shows... erm a pregnant woman who wants the baby that is.

I have also stumbled on many more helpful writing information and keep meeting fascinating people. I even bought some new books by authors I have never read and I am excited. My head is filled with new ideas and for now, that is enough. (Big grin).

Proud Parent Moment

2008-11-14T09:19:00.000-08:00

My fine man and I are not the 'regular' parents ...by our own standards; as in we forget way too many things but we are always the first to laugh about it or fight about it depending on the option we choose or the gravity of what we forgot.

We were the ones rushing to 24hour stores the night before Tio's first day at Pre-School when we found that we had not bought most of the things on his school list( Ok...there were some really good reasons for that!).

So when the newsletter came in about the Parent Teacher Conference we were both careful to read it. In fact, we must have read it dozens of times before the day arirved. So, we woke up super early, got all dressed and arrived at his school at exactly 7.50am feeling accomplished. Ours was the only car in the parking lot and the building just lookedkind of deserted. A few questions from the security and admin lady who arrived just after 8am later and we had proved our irregularity yet again. We showed up 24 hours early!

Still, it was a good laugh going back home. At this point however, I started to get somewhat panicky. What if all these little things we've been doing ( and believe me there are so many of them) had an impact on Tio's performance or the way he was looked at. We'll have to get our acts right and be 'normal' parents! For us, that will be soooooo difficult.. uh-oh.

So the next morning, again we arrived super early. I had on my sweetest face... yeah the one I slap on when I am about to ask for a favour I clearly don't deserve... and I had one of my 'I am such a happy person' smile as I greeted everyone and walked to his class.

His teacher took us through many things and then she gave a progress report. It was amazing to hear how our little Tio was making us proud in ways that more than made up for our quirks.

When we left I had an even brighter smile as I was enjoying my proud parent moment.

I chuckled and shook my head when we got home later and realised we forgot his progressive report record sheet in the class. Oh well, we are who we are and variety is the spice of life! :)

Warriors are children too!

2008-11-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

This post is for all those who always try to be strong.

All her life she tried to be the best in everything First in her class was never good enough it had to be first in all the classes combined; but when she got home she was the girl who called up to Mama and asked that her hair be played with.

If ever she chose to distrupt the class; her voice would be heard 3 blocks away and when the cover teacher returned to mete out the punishment, she would stand as stiff as a rod and take the strokes however many they were; later when school was done, she was the one who grazed the bruises and then cried.

At work(now an adult), she was the strongest of those who were made redundant. Never once said a bad word against the company. Not even about how she billed more money than the lady with crossed eyes who was being kept on; she bit her lips so hard they bled, just so she would keep mute.

Like her, he always exhibited strength in every day life: first becoming a fireman and later enlisting in the navy. He faced fires and storms head on, receiving several honor medals;but ever so often he would curl up in his bed and imagine his pillow was his Nana's laps.When he fell asleep he dreamt regularly that he was a baby swaddled in soft blankets.

Like them we each have our stories. The battles we are fighting daily. Every single one of us! We are all continuing the learning process that tell us not in so many words that sometimes, strength is the ability to be weak and Warriors are children too!

Yes we can...

2008-11-05T05:13:00.000-08:00

... we can do anything if we try....'' those form part of the chorus of Donnie McClurkin's awfully inspiring song 'You Can' but the first 3 words are perhaps better associated with the historic election that just ended with the first African-American President- elect in the United States of America: Barack Obama.

It is in fact rumoured that this song is one of Obama's favourite gospel song and could be where he drew the words which has practically become a house hold name from. He did bring the ex-gay singer McClurkin, to his campaign a little over a year ago inspite of the controversy that action generated.

I opened my mouth to sing this very same song yesterday in a meeting where tension was breathed in as air. I did not get past those first words yet managed to upset the feelings of one or two people. It was obvious change was coming and as usual some were resisting it.

I know what resisting change feels like; afterall I excelled in it only a few months ago when my fine man announced that we would be moving countries. I fought tooth and nail and caused us both to experience a difficult phase in our relationship but the move still happened and I have even come to see my resistance was nothing but a reluctance to change from within.

150 years ago, 4 of the 31 million Americans were slaves. Today: 15 decades later, we see the impact of change and agree that truly change is the only constant thing in life!

So, in ending this post and enjoying being a part of history, I urge everyone to look inward and decide to make one change that will make you, your home, your society, your nation and as a result, the world a better place. Yes we can!

Ingenuity and other people's influences!

2008-11-03T12:13:00.001-08:00

I stared at the invitation slip to the costume party again and thought how I wasn't sure my children will be attending. You know, I did not want to go and get a costume that will be useless seconds after the party. I mulled over it for a few days; long enough to find out 2 other families we knew were attending and so all of a sudden we too were going. All that remained was for me to get the costume.

My semi-frugal somewhat creative self knew I did not want to buy a costume from the moment I got the invite. It was just a case of finding an easy to make costume with something from the house. I finally decided on traffic lights and cell phones. The fun we had making them. Tio wanted to try it on over and over again and so did Sunshine even though complaints like " it's too heavy for me" wafted up to the ceiling as sooon as Sunny girl donned her costume. Still, without a doubt, we enjoyed inspecting our handiwork!

Knowing how sensitive children can be and how super attentive to detail mine are, I went through the motion of explaining to them that some of their friends would show up as super heroes, or their favourite TV character but they would be wearing these home made costumes form our 'project'. Both chorused 'it's okay, we like our costumes."

D-day. Sunshine was not in the mood so we did not bother putting on her costume but we carried it along as we joined the queue for the different activities. Tio received some glances as we moved along the line. At first we could not be sure if they were complimentary. He must have been struggling with deciphering why so many people were looking at him too but I was oblivious to that. All I could see was Tio's eyes locked on a blonde haired boy in a kind of warlord/sailor type costume and the smile that lit his face gradually diminishing. I think my confidence in our handiwork began to shake then.

We continued down the line until we reached the very first activity spot. As if on cue, Tio burst into tears and whispered "I'm sad, I don't like my costume." Those words cut through me like a sword. I could not have been more embarassed and I immediately stepped into the supermum mode where I took him outside and did everything including suggesting we go back home just to make him stop. I started to feel maybe his costume was not good enough and momentarily calculated the quickest place I could go pick up his favourite character costume. Then I thought of the time we invested in making it and reminded him of that. Eventually, his bright smile resurfaced.

We went back to the start of the queue and it was now a different set of people and this time, compliments flooded in and some people stopped outright to photograph him. It occured to me then that those first glances were possibly complimentary too. Needless, to say, Tio beamed the rest of the outing.

When we were done and returning home however, I could not help but think how easily I had let the glances of perfect strangers almost ruin our fun and belittle the time an effort we as a family put into the costume. It made me think how we do that in many different ways. We work hard on something because we believe in it and we enjoy doing it and we let the looks of others who do not know us or where we are coming from destroy it. Worse, we jump ship on ourselves? What could sink us faster than our own self doubt? I think it's high time we choose our ingenuity over other people's influence. What do you think?

November my New Year

2008-11-01T09:17:00.001-07:00

I love the month of November for many reasons. The fact that thanksgiving in the US falls within it; that history will be made in a few days this month and the most obvious reason;that it is my birth month! As a consequence, November is my most reflective month because it really is my new year. I do what most people would do at the end of the year or early January in November. Goal setting.

I look at the previous months leading to this N month and check on my list what's left to be done. I plan what would make the next year fulfilling for me and sometimes manage a short list of things I would like to change or do differently.

In the year I am just about to end, I purposed to change only one thing about myself and even looped it into my very first post early this year. Now, looking back, I think I did not completely acheive it but I have definitely improved on last year.

This new year though, I am approaching drawing the list in a different way. I actually asked my fine man one thing he would like me to change that will be beneficial to us and he managed to come up with 3 so I chose one. I don't know that I will acheive it but I sure am willing to try and I am just so thankful that I am at this point where trying new things however difficult they seem is okay.

November, the very mention of that one word brings a smile to my face, I even think it sounds musical. It is to me a month filled with great expectations and appreciation. I relish being pampered and treated on my day. A day which brings back to my mind stories my folks told me about how I defied the odds and lived even as a wee baby. November plunges me into the sea of deep thought and soul searching and then I emerge with gratitude songs on my lips even more convinced that I must fulfill my destiny.

Going back to the basics

2008-10-28T18:41:00.001-07:00

The thing I love most about thinking is that I almost always come out of it with another perspective or an insight which is so simplistic in nature I wonder why I never saw it before.

This time here's what a combo of thought, tapes and a teacher produced:

In the face of trials, and challenges of life our best bet is to go back to the basics. Yes. Going back to the beginning. My best illustration will be for you to imagine yourself as a caterer who has a signature dish and every time you cook it everyone goes on and on about how delicious it is. People even book it in advance for their get -togethers and then one day you make this dish and it's tasteless. What are you going to do?

Are you going to throw in the towel and find a new dish? Or let fear paralyse you so much that you quit cooking entirely. Or are you going to simple go back and try it again until you get it right? Well going back to the basics will be to make it again until it's as good as it was or even better and the only way to do it is to use the same ingredients, and cook it in the right order. Ok, maybe this food illustration is not doing this justice.

What I am saying is, whatever the challenge; we overcome by going back to how we began. If you are struggling on the job, take a minute and think back to your first day and go with the mindset you brought to the job: enthusiasm, confidence and self belief.

Similarly, if it’s your relationship that seems to be imploding, think back to how things used to be and start again from there. How did you think the saying ‘the good old days’ came to be? Sometimes the answer is as simple as returning to the basics and thus I finally cracked the reason why those wealthy people make a comeback after bankruptcy; it's this same back to the basics principle.

Opportunities

2008-10-26T20:30:00.001-07:00

How many times have you come across someone who says they would have made it big if only they had the opportunity? Or that their lives would be a tad different/better if they only had the chance. Personally, one time too many.

I recently got talking with a couple who had their home repossessed the very same week I met and spoke with a man who specialises in helping prevent people's homes from being repossed. How the couple's lives would have been different if they met this man before! Better still, if they had been actively looking for such a person because from all I gathered, they did not think it had been worth talking to any financial advisor or such person.

Opportunities! They are there everyday and everywhere. They present themselves in form of the neighbour you never spoke to and then realised his son goes to the same pre-school as your daughter and the car pooling begins. They are in the grocery store keeper who because you asked ever so gently ' how are you doing today?' tells you that item you are about to buy will be on sale that very evening. They are in the writers group you never wanted to join and then you find one of the members is an editor of a magazine you have queried unsuccessfully thus far.

The big 'O' is available to any yet unattainable by many because some are looking the wrong way, others just don't recognise it and perhaps a few who see it, recognise and grasp it, hold on with shaking hands; their trembling ultimately making it slide out of their hands. The few that hold on firmly, become the big names we hear and see making headlines.

Opportunity comes knocking at all our doors but because we never thought it would and/or did not prepare it walks away again leaving us empty handed. Have you not heard it said that for every need there's someone out there to meet it?

Opportunities! It takes a trained eye to spot them. Prepared and steady hands to seize them and a profound mind to know there is another round the corner from the one you just missed.

Listening Ears

2008-10-22T14:55:00.000-07:00

I heard some disappointing news the other day and needed desperately to vent about it. So I phoned a friend who quietly listened to me yap about xyz even though my friend was bone achingly tired and couldn't wait to get off the phone (chuckle - I knew!). I bet all our ears have been there before.

Still, one should never under emphasis the importance of listening ears. Not necessarily those of friends but the very fact that someone will give an ear to our 'yap yap yap' is worth being thankful for.

I would know because as I am writing this post, I just learnt I did not win a competition I really wanted to win and I have tried in vain to find ears (as in not a soul is online to chat with and all phone calls are going to voice mail). No available ears to listen to how I am feeling less than great at this precise minute; how I probably should stop writing and generally how I want to have a pity party.

Yet 3 reasons keep me forging on:

1. The fact that my being agrees and echoes Gertrude Stein's words "Writing and reading are to me synonymous with existing".

2. The quote/saying that 'not to try is to ensure failure'.

3. I AM that I AM - He's all that I need and the very best listening ears there is!

I love your blog award

2008-10-21T07:16:00.001-07:00

I was nominated for the above award and would like to say thanks to aloted for nominating me. At first, I thought I would not do anything about it because it isn't me; but then I thought what is me? Is me really not whatever I say I am? Mostly, is 'me' not thinking too highly/lowly of myself and saying I am not into this sort of thing? So here we go:(aloted and others who came up with this thing, kindly permit my rejigging on rules).

I love many blogs for different reasons but I truly can not list 7, it will in my opinion, not be fair. There is also the small fact that I really am not into this kind of thing.... ok we are back to that!

Let me explain. I am the sort of person who does not give a vote of thanks at the end of my party and cringe when my fine man has to do it because like me, he probably will forget the most important people... so at best I say 'A big thanks to everyone' if ever I am on the spot and have absolutely no choice.

On the other hand, I make personal calls to every single person on the guest list leaving rambling voice messages and sometimes, I even send thank you notes and emails too!

In blogville as well, I hardly leave comments when I can send emails. I guess I am just more into keeping it personal than general. So here's how I'll do this. I'll leave I love your blog comments on all the blogs I love without necessarily stopping at 7 and send them here for the rules. They too will be allowed to do it their way... as I have done.

I love your blog award rules:

1. The nominated is allowed to put the I love your blog picture on their blog (I am opting out of that too).

2. Link to the person who nominated you.

3. Nominate 7 blogs you love and link to them

4. Leave a message on those people's blogs to make them aware that you nominated them.

There! I did it!

Meeting Khaleed Hosseini

2008-10-17T09:53:00.001-07:00

One of the perks of volunteering at a Literary Center is that you get to meet lots of writers: aspiring ones, matures ones, spooky ones and of course some literary legends. I join the world in acclaiming Khaleed Hosseini as one of the latter.

I looked forward to this event, from the moment it was organised. Of course on this occassion, I was not going to be volunteering, only seating among the 500 others that filled the Theater as we all listened to an accomplished writer speak.

I found his answers about Afghanistan and the troubles in the region insightful. On his writing, perhaps what I found most inspiring was the number of rejection letters he got before he got published. The 31st rejection letter even said something in the lines of 'the world is not talking/concerned about Afghanistan now; if it was Iraq...' well their losses right? We all know how 'The Kite Runner' and 'A Thousand Splendid Suns' have flown off the shelves internationally.

It was interesting to see that Khaleed adopts a writing technique where he just writes, not bothering with the outlining and all that we often read about in the 'How to' books. He however subscribes to letting the characters lead him and absolutely suprised me when he let out that he had not planned for Amir and Hassan to be brothers in 'The Kite Runner'(apologies for the spoiler for those who haven't read it).

I was also impressed that his medical career has been put on hold for his writing because according to him, 12 minutes of the 15 he had to see a patient were being used up discussing his books so he had to do the responsible thing and step aside.

When it was over, I joined the queue for book signing and even managed to get a few pictures taken despite the security guard who insisted everyone just stand beside him as he sat there signing so most of pictures have me posing beside a man head bent signing books!! As if that was not annoying enough, I looked like a smitten teenager: all smiles and an akward pose!

Still, I left the Theater content, walked the short distance to the public parking holding the 3 books I just got signed. As I stepped into the elevator to take me to the right parking level, a lady stepped in too. The lady glanced at me, saw the books and said ' those are really good books'. I smiled and replied ' I know, in fact, I just met the author.' Echoes of her one word reply 'Cool' still rings in my ears. Meeting Khaleed Hossieni was fun to say the least.

My Spot

2008-10-13T07:55:00.000-07:00

'She's on my spot'! Tio cries indignantly. 'She's on my spoooooooot mum', he repeats a second later in a whining yet threatening voice that only toddlers can pull off. I explain to him the importance of sharing before he reluctantly allows her to stay on the spot. A short while later, Sunshine's crying 'He's on my spot' and the cycle continues all day; every day. The spot? My laps!

It's a primal instinct isn't it? The need to fight for what we believe is ours. The older sibling knowing often before the younger one is even born that he's been deposed and refusing to accept it. Sibling rivalry becoming parents most watched drama over the years since it's shown daily.

Interestingly, as adults we continue to do the same. We scream at the child who incessantly writes number 6 as 9 - angry not just because he keeps getting it wrong but mostly because we are scared he won't bag himself a spot on honour's roll! Visions of a not so bright future momentarily flash in our minds birthing louder screams.

It also rears it's head at work in form of the manager who clings to the position he should long have relinquished and the colleague who refuses to share knowledge about some system so he appears indispensable, both desperately guarding 'their spots'.

This desire for 'our spot' is glimpsed in various forms in our lives: at basic levels, we mutter under our breath when someone takes the seat we earmarked for ourselves on public transport or in a church service. We complain about the guy who got the job we should have got or the person who ordered the last slice of pizza in the canteen after all he took so long to decide and we already knew we wanted pizza before we left our desk. We go on and on about these things to anyone who will listen (though mostly to ourselves) forgetting that often what we are fighting about (the spot) is not ours to begin with and is certainly not a right.

The games we play...

2008-10-08T07:29:00.000-07:00

Before movies like 'Hitch', 'How to lose a guy in 10 days' and their many siblings, I like to think that we had no game plans; that dating was clear cut: two people who really liked each other would go out and focus on the business of enjoying themselves without pretence, that they will be real and down to earth and let things flow naturally.

Not so these days. We've learnt to keep our emotions in check and no matter how into someone we are; we follow the rules forgetting that those who wrote the rules are themselves most probably still single.

You like him but you go through endless motions of avoiding him and making his attempts at asking you out such a headache, priding yourself that you give guys tough times forgetting that you may end up being part of the statistics if he moves on and no one else comes along. Have a light bulb moment woman!

We even play ourselves too: You either fall in the category of the woman who's been dating this guy for 3 years, he drives your car everywhere because he considers himself a better driver than you and takes you to and from work only after you insisted; yet has not introduced you to any major player in his family. Listen up, ‘guy’ is unlikely to take you to the altar. No amount of self convincing, that he's taking his time will make any difference.

Or you are one of those praying away the waiting game. I often ask these sort of people, did you ever believe for an apple and got it? Quite frankly, if you never believed for an apple and got it why do you think you will get this now? Then the cunny ones ask the rhetorical question, “Will I ever get married”? How am I supposed to answer that? That question right there is part of the game - the one where we put people on the spot - so they can be our scapegoats later.

Don't get me wrong. I am not suggesting that we simply stop playing (because life itself is kind of a game) but I am asking how about we play a little differently? How about we learn the first rule of the game...it has to end sometime. How about we let the scales fall?

Filters

2008-10-04T16:03:00.000-07:00

Silly! Stupid!! Silly!!! Stupid!!!! The chubby little boy in the arms of the petite lady chanted. When I turned around and saw her face it was a brighter shade of her red hair. She tried to make him stop but he only giggled and chanted some more until a lollipop was shoved in his mouth.

Haven't we all been there? The embarassing state that follows an inappropriate word our child just uttered and oops just doesn't cut it; so we shove something in his mouth or attempt an awkward smile.

There's also the moment when that neighbour/work colleague who has irritated us for years breaks the camel's back and our fuming selves say ' that's the last straw, he's going to get it' so we march to his place and spew all the things we've held back for so long only to regret it once we're done venting.

Ooh lets not forget the one where we see a couple with their child who has eczema on his face and we ask ' what's wrong with his face?' nor the classic one (which someone close to me has done a few times because my non verbal cues went unnoticed) when we run into a friend we have not seen in a while and say ' is it me or have you gained weight?'

Agreed, we make booboos all the time it's part of being human. However, I was visiting some people recently and they offered me a glass of water. Not wanting to seem impolite I accepted but just before I took my first sip, I noticed some particles in it and immediately put the glass down gently all thought of offending our hosts vanishing from my mind. I am pretty sure most people would have done the same thing too. I mean, who drinks unclean water intentionally? We would rather buy bottled water or find a means of treating the water before we drink it right? This got me thinking.

Imagine the additional value we might add to the lives of people whose paths we cross if we would apply this principle in our conversations and make use of filters! Yes, if we would sift the words we think before we utter them what difference we might make to those whose ears our words resound. It brings to mind the verse' let your speech be seasoned with salt that you may know what to say to everyman' doesn't it?

The simple things of life

2008-10-04T01:14:00.000-07:00

Often we pass through our days not realising or noticing the many beautiful things that have been crafted into them. Like we see the omnious clouds before a heavy downpour but miss the silver grey highlights in the sky preceeding those clouds. We see the rainbow but miss the hue of the fading rainbow. We neglect to inhale the smell of freshly cut grass or gaze at the giant trees whose leaves signify fall. We are all too busy focusing on everything we need to do inadvertently blocking out the simple things in life.

Recently on a walk with my son, we could not have been half a block when he pointed at a neighbour's beautifully painted window panes which of course I had never noticed. The window was just one of the many different little things that fascinated him during our walk.

He saw the tiniest ants on the pedestrian walk which I had to ever so carefully step over lest I hear the accusatory protest 'You squashed it Mum'. What would normally have taken me a few minutes ended up taking us the better part of an hour but boy did I see my area differently when we got back?

I now knew the cream house at the end of the road also had a splash of red paint just where the garage door met the floor - how could I forget what my imaginative toddler thought could have been bloood?!?!?!?!

When we turned the knob back into our house later that evening I realised the simple things in life do make one happy - nooooo not the splash of paint or side stepping tiny ants - more like sunshine when we wake up, water down a thirsty throat and the sweet innocence of a 3 year old who says ' but I am not a baby'.

Food timetables a legacy?

2008-10-03T07:25:00.000-07:00

Growing up we had food timetables(FTs) which were adhered to off and on. During the 'on' times, oh the way our eyes shone excitedly, our lips revealed gleaming teeth and our stomachs rumbled sometimes audibly if it was going to be one of our favourite dishes.

Similarly, scowls were slapped on our long faces and our mouths quickly resembled watering can spouts in riotous attempts at 'impeaching' whatever unpopular meal was to be our lunch or dinner.

There were some neither here nor there days where we could not be bothered what was served and we also knew that there was always a constant; breakfast - it was always the same for years on end!

As we grew older and our tastebuds developped what tickled them most, we soon had our personal preferences and our dining room might as well have been a market place for the amount of trade and barter that took place. Swapping chores for chicken skin or plantain was one of my favourites - we were not so conscious of health eating then.

Decades later and in a generation of 'you are what you eat' who would have thought FTs would make the list of what I am reinventing in my home yet it did! Why?

- For the fact that to achieve the healthy lifestyle which is being drummed into us all in countless ways; organisation is compulsory and the expedience of a FT cannot be over emphasised not to mention that if put to use it is extremely cost effective.

- It saves you the worry induced headaches from rumaging through your mental list of what to cook that is not a repeat of yesterday. Having FTs mean, you know exactly what to cook at any time.

- FTs also can provide a fun way of family bonding because you can have ' help mum cook' weekend and other such everyone in the kitchen moments that leave a lasting impression on the children's hearts.

There are several ways one can go about creating a food timetable. I do mine on a 4week monthly rotation and in order to spice it up a little, I have themes for different weeks. As breakfast was a constant in our childhood FT, I have made Week 3 the only constant in mine and that is Vegetarian week. Whatever I cook that week excludes meat fish and even eggs.

I have found having a FT is very beneficial and in some ways a legacy. One that I sure would pass on to my children and their children's children.

The good ones

2008-09-30T08:03:00.000-07:00

Our culture/tradition is such that we only say good things about the dead. People sing their praises in long versed tributes that end with phrases like 'why do the good ones go first'.

I read that recently and began to think of how we do that alot ~ realise people's importance when they are long gone. Some one once said that the cemetry has the most talent or something like that. Well, I beg to differ. Look around you? Are there more dead good people than alive? In fact are there more dead than the living? And as per talent same goes?

I think we underestimate the richness of one another, our hidden talents and potentials. I think we undervalue our neighbours, co-workers and sometimes friends and family. I think we need to look deeply and choose to see the good in one another. Let our saying change and become ' the good ones are still with us.' Sure no one wants to lose a loved one but saying the good one goes first makes me think how about the rest of us still here? Are we not good?

Perhaps we need to think of life differently. As Margaret Hasse, a poet titled one of her poems 'life in reverse' and I draw my inspiration from that poem.

If dying was what we did first and then we were born and so we learn about the great beyond before we ever lived. Would we moan about arthritis and how wrinkled our skins become at 90? Would we refuse to use our walking sticks when we clearly need them at 80 or relish the fact that we are now 10 years younger?

Would we at 60 dread retirement or look forward to the life ahead? And at 40 would we be fools or realise our life has truly just began?

Would we hate the prospects of turning 30 or simply enjoy our prime? Would we at 20 believe in everything or carefully use our already gained wisdom to make informed decisions?

And in our teens would we be so terrible to our parents wanting so very much to live the life or realise that life is in itself a precious gift.

Would we as babies cry so much or simply enjoy being carried against mama's chest? And whilst still in utero would we kick so hard or simply enjoy the process of growth before turning into little dots waiting to become a being somewhere where we all began.

Would we still say the good one's go first or would we perhaps in this way see that some good ones are still with us? Would we view life a little differently and maybe live and love more passionately? Would we appreciate people more; particularly whilst they are still breathing and say good things about the living whilst they are still living!

Driving

2008-09-29T15:33:00.000-07:00

I mentioned sometime that I have not mastered this art. I still have not. Infact my fear of driving seem to have grown over the 2 years since I last drove. When I am in a car I imagine all sorts of horrors. Like our car flying off the bridge and landing in some lake or river and I have to consciously caution myself and think of pure things before I am calm again.

I pride myself in not being afraid of many things and generally being a superconfident person. Even when I am wrong or don't have some facts right, I bluff my way to the final - yep that confident - and hugely irritating to people sometimes lol. Yet I am like jello when it comes to cars. I shake like a leaf once the subject is broached. My palms sweat before I get in the car.

Behind the wheel, I find myself involuntarily hitting the window every few minutes with my hand. I actually take one hand of the wheel to do that whilst muttering oh my god oh my god. I know it's pathetic!( I hold my hand up only because I know I am not alone).

Lately, my kiddo's have been asking me why I always take them on a walk. Why I am not driving? I am running out of answers and I guess I now have to forget the way my heart pounds when I try to reverse thinking surely I will run into the neighbours parked car. I have to quit believing the tyres just burst everytime I hear an unfamiliar loud noise whilst in motion. I have to brush aside motion sickness and waves of nausea that overwhelm me after driving 20minutes tops and combat this monstrous fear.

I want to so bad. Infact, I am taking control and getting behind the wheel again in a couple of days. I am not relishing the thought but I knew the day will come again... oh how I long again for the red buses, surface rail and underground.

I'll let you know how I get on or if I chicken out.:)

New Game

2008-09-19T17:07:00.000-07:00

Necessity is the mother of invention. How true! Since getting back to my family, I have noticed some changes in my children.

They are both obviously more grown up and have bigger vocabs 'terrific' and 'awesome' top the list.

They bicker a lot and about eeeeeeeeeeeeeeverything.

Sunshine has become a chatter box not unlike me at her age. Actually, I would like to formally thank my folks here. I think I must have been exasperating to bring up at some point if I was even half as bad as my sunny girl. Oh and did I ever mention she used to be so quiet as a baby I was convinced something was wrong!

They want everything now and if I linger in doing anything Tio says ' but I am waiting mum' - imagine!

They are awfully polite and you dare not forget to say excuse me or bless you in their prescence ~ yep you will get told off ( guess they learnt from the master).

Anyway, to address number three, I recently invented a game. I call it the 'quiet game'. We simple say nothing for a period of time and the first person to talk loses. You may try it if you have young'uns like mine. I can't tell you how enjoyable this game is to me and how frustrating it is for sunshine who wriggles and moves her hand up and about her body restlessly like someone recovering from chicken pox. This game also buys me some peaceful noise- free minutes each day. Bliss!

What is necessity making you invent?

Budgeting

2008-09-18T07:53:00.000-07:00

Having experienced a 'dry' patch in our lives when there just wasn't any left over. I can confirm that nothing brings out fear and doubt in a woman more than this time just as not a lot can drop the man's self-esteem any lower than this state of 'being broke'.

It was not therefore suprising when this was part of the discussion during week 2 of Financial University. I spent several hours last week browsing for all sorts of budgeting information.
Now my head is buzzing with all different kinds of budgeting systems. I have been visiting Dave Ramesay's website too - It's his financial university thing that I am doing so I get to use some tools from his site. I dabbled with the debt snowball tool and I found myself struggling to input the numbers - 'twas much easier for me to leave them in my head.

Anyway I got tired of it after a while and decided to work on a budget calculator that will be beneficial to my own people. Enough of all these budget calculators in dollars & pounds that do not quite meet our needs.

Here's one for us folks. Okay, I have to confess. I did create a budget calculator but it's not working so until I can fix it, I am afraid I'll have to leave you with the link to two of my favourite budget calculators kiplinger.com and moneymadeclear.fsa.gov.uk.

I know, it's still not one for us - apols. I do have a spreadsheet that suits 'us' fine so if you would like to play with the spreadsheet, email me and I'll send it round.

Money as good as a Mistress

2008-09-13T05:15:00.001-07:00

The love of money = root of evil. Who best can confirm this than a married woman? She can tell you how having a lot of money could be problems what with all those ladies with skinny legs and stilettos running after her man and how if there is not enough of it, she will be inwardly cursing her man and wondering why she did not marry Shehu the boy with the scattered teeth in primary school who is now the Governor of some Northern state.

Ok so many of us are not on these extremes. We usually are somewhere in the middle. Our men are bringing in enough even if we are supplementing. Ocassionally we moan about something we wish we had and can't just go and buy because of the economics we have to do.

There is a flipside I want to explore though. The side that reminds me of a mistress in subtle ways. Would you agree that we are often spending most hours in our day out there looking for ways to bring in more money. Well, it's a lot worse over on the Western side where one has to juggle so many things with everyday life and as such many men find themselves holding down multiple jobs and the women sleeping alone night after night. Yeah this time it's not the other woman it's this thing we call money.

Oh and then he comes home in the morning fatigued and however alluring your negligee, Mr Man needs his beauty sleep plus junior is already whimpering in his bed anyway so you gats to get up right there and then.

Resentment soon begins to build for many reasons, either you hardly see him these days all you hear is ' Honey I'm doing it for us',' I have to work all weekend on a show', ' I need that overtime' or you see him alright but he does nothing but snap about every item that is finished in the house and both do nothing to help the fact that you are tired of your lonely nights and need some.

The pettiest things spark you both off and you are arguing on top of your voices about nothing when there is no money. It's a bad place to be and it does riot to your senses I admit. You put on hold those passionate dreams that mean the world to you but would never see fruition without money. You scimper from here and there and devise new ways to make what you have last a little while longer.

I could go on but I doubt that there is still anyone who has not seen just how money can be as good as a mistress.

How to work through this one?

Learn to budget. Create a budget and stick to it. It helps.
Contentment - see my post on How do you stay Happy
Start a business to bring in more money - or take that extra job or overtime just prepare to spend some dedicated'connecting/reassuing' times with your spouse
Become and stay debt free
Be creative - find ways of making sure u and your man stay in sync.
Don't let this M break your marriage.

Mistresses...

2008-09-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

The other woman. Pretty but not according to you - wifey.
Smooth operator. She never nags him (that's until she becomes a wife). She is in his mind everything you are not (except for one-night stands). Well, you hate her and all your friends join you in that. She could in one swoop ruin your marriage because she breaks the trust and when the trust is gone my my not even love is enough to fix it.

I have often wondered why women like you and me would think that the best 'their best' is to be second fiddle. I think there is a major case of inferiority and warped thinking right there. Having said that, I can sometimes see how we may feel we have no choice in the things that we do. I have seen loneliness make the best of us rethink our core values; core values like 'our belief in committment', ' that divorce is not an option' 'that our word is our bond' and then decide we would adhere to them. The trouble is where there were never any core values there is nothing to rethink so voila another married woman tosses and turns in her marital bed whilst her hubby is romping with another across town or even in the guest room.

Managing... no Surviving the Mistress..

Pointers I gathered from people who have been in this awful position and chose to keep the marriage.

Don't get to know her personally but if you do know her already then by all means avoid her. You have enough heart ache don't compound it by seeking her out.

Face your man and marriage and find a coping mechanism until it all blows over.

Talk, pray and try not to fight always (easier said than done I know)

If you have kids - focus on them.

Whatever you do, do not plan a revenge. Revenge makes you equal to or worse than the other woman and then where do you go from there? If however, you already did the revenge thing it's still not impossible to fix things if you are both willing but I'll suggest you go for marriage counselling for a while to thrash things out and let the healing and forgeting process begin.
Lastly this is from yours truly, let me leave you with perhaps my favourite mantra 'this phase will pass' and it will... say something repeatedly to yourself enough times and you will begin to believe it. Ooh it may not seem like it when your heart is constantly breaking or you have become numb to that man to whom you voiced 'I do' but lady there is a time for everything under the sun and to everything a season ... even such messy stuff like affairs eventually come to an end.

I have 2 stories of two amazing women's account on how they survived this phase in their marriages but it'll have to be told in a later post to them justice. So in ending, don't you let this M destroy your marriage.

Volunteering.... Day 1.

2008-09-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

I began my volunteering work today and I enjoyed it so I am putting the M series on hold for today to share my first experience. If you detect a bit of melancholy in this post well, blame it on the readings and my deep thinking plus it happens to the best of us.

There were 3 book readings and they were all deep and somewhat sad most probably those writers view on life. They all made points that stuck though and this post is a blend of all 3 points, my feelings at this moment and a friend's view on broken relationships.

The main reader Linda Hogan said and I paraphrase - we as humans need to remove our layers until we get to the core'. I felt that. To me, these layers could be - facades, pretence, ego, name it. Until we reach the core and let ourselves be exposed we can not be real. We only attempt in vain.

That brings me to Bart Galle's reading. The one that struck me was the poem called 'the real thing'. Again paraphrasing -'... the seagull continues to flap his wings and then it moved aside as the eagle sweeps in; at first I thought it was struggling and then I realised it was embarassed as we all are when the real thing appears'. I sure felt embarrassed as I sat there listening to these acclaimed writers.

I, like the Christain Writer believe I was created to write but unlike her, I have until now(now referring to this blog- as if!) left my writing in my head or on the PC mostly unfinished. Sometimes I believe I can write other times I am not so sure and when the real thing appears, I let the layers come off and stand vulnerably aside - exposed!

To end with Julie Zappa's reading - which I did find a bit like a dirge- still that last paragraph when the seeds where brought out and planted in the garden to grow into a beautiful patch of spring flowers on the boys grave in the end, I felt something else... a need to plant some seeds in me - hope seeds, perseverance seeds - they mixed with sheer determination should blossom into a reading; my reading- some day.

Finally, thanks to my ride to and from the venue, I learnt something else about people with broken relationships. She quit her marriage just under 4 years and now says at nearly 50 years, she wishes she hadn't because, even though she successfully raised her 2 boys who are now in their early 20s, and maintains a good relationship with her ex, the loneliness is indescribable and the sadness comes and goes. Perhaps because she did not find anyone else... perhaps those who find others still feel it too. She said if she could turn back the hands of time she would choose to water that marriage like one would a plant.

M series- back in a few days - I have some application deadlines to submit so pardon me as I love you and leave you for a short while.

The Ms that destroy Marriages and managing them.

2008-09-10T04:42:00.000-07:00

I decided to take a break from posting about my personal life and revert back to relationships in particular Marriage. So the next few posts will focus on the M's that destroy Marriages.

My M list:

Mother/Mother-in-law

Mistress/Mister

Money

I can't bring to mind any other just yet but if you can, please drop me a line and I'll write about it.

Mother/Mother-in-law.

Being a mother myself, I know first hand that the love we have for our children runs so deep it hurts sometimes. I also grew up as a child in a home where my Mum's mother -in-law lived with us happily so I had always assumed this to be the norm until I got to Uni and started hearing horror stories of the wicked Mama's out there.

Agreed, these over controlling, intrusive and insensitive mothers exist and can very well destroy their children's marriages. I don't know how they become the way they are because I look at my son right now and can't imagine myself being enemies with the woman he chooses to marry and yes some people would say 'well, what if the woman he decides to marry is just evil or not up to scratch' even then I'll still say the same I'll let him. The greatest love is the unconditional one. Loving - regardless!

So if you're already having to deal with his mum or if it's your mum, how do you manage it?

To the man: Yes she is the best; - your mum. She did all those wonderful things that are indelible in your heart... but hang on a minute...you are now with another woman.. your wife and she deserves to know you are really with her every step of the way. No, she is not asking you to choose. She just needs to know you are leading her not following after Mama's wishes. Comprendre?

To the wife: His mum is just the bad b word in your opinion. Okay maybe so but remember she loves him and tell you what he loves her too ( don't even think for one minute he loves you more - it's a different kind of love and none is stronger or higher but both are real) so cut him some slack if he wants to run your birth plan by his mother. The key is to know when to put your foot down. Really, how is it going to hurt you that she knows you want to have a water bath?( Sorry MM but really how?) Stop freaking out. I say don't sweat the small stuff. Let me share something with you on how I do it.

A couple of years ago when my fine man's mother breezed in for some months. She soon formed the habit of waking up around 5am and sweeping the whole apartment vigorously and hand washing clothes. Well, it wasn't my cup of tea and it kind of irritated me partly because I felt she was too old for that sort of work and majorly because I loathe people setting standards for me that I won't keep up and trust me I could never do that on a daily basis and then if my fine man notices the slip up I would hate to hear him complain. So I decided I had to tell Mama to pack it in asap.

I went about it the way I would recommend and I call it the 'sweeten her up method'. I got all sorts of things she said she wanted and chatted with her all afternoon. She was really happy then I began the subject of healthy living and the need to rest. She was all ears - they usually are at that age! Somewhere between all that I mentioned how she deserves to be relaxing now and not working herself up about anything so even if she wakes up early she can just roll over and shut her eyes again because she has us to do all the stuff she would normally do. It worked like magic even though she then began to say how bored she was - bless!

To the mother: I am not sure I should include this cos it's unlikely any reader would be one yet but... I would say Love and Let Live. Do not think you are the only one who knows him and can love him. He chose her. Not over you. Only as is other half...hopefully the way you chose his Dad. If indeed she is all evil then do the next best thing mothers are good at: pray!

In ending this first M and very long post, let me reiterate to the wife again, it is possible to live happily with your mother-in-law. My Mum did it excellently though I have to add in honour of my Nan - she was exceptional; a rare gem! I am doing it brilliantly at the moment myself - you only need to hear my mum -in-law calling me 'my dear wife'.

The key is to change your perspective. My best advice is always, remember she loves her son and just dwell on that. You may never be bossom buddies but you can be civil and courteous. Give it another go; yes you can! Don't let this M ruin your Marriage.

Job swap...nostalgia...

2008-09-08T11:44:00.000-07:00

I have never been this nostalgic. Not even when I orginally left my father land. Something must have happened to me in the few years I lived in UK that's making me long to be back in Southeast London rather than cold cold MN at this minute.

As awful as it may sound given that I longed for this reunion with my family, I am finding it teeth grittingly hard to adjust to my new role. I am blogging more as a result ( my fine man thinks I am writing and for that I get undisturbed time whenever I want) which suits me just fine.

I was thinking earlier about all this reality shows. You know the wife swaps etc. I would love to do a job swap one... I think... anything to keep me away from unpacking anymore bags.

Serioulsly though, I expected this to be somewhat difficult but perhaps I under estimated my weaknesses. I remember chatting with a friend a couple of weeks ago and him saying the thought of me being a full time wife/mum is hilarious. At the time, I was rather irked but now I am looking at myself and seeing his point.

So to save myself, I have signed up for more volunteering sessions at a literary centre in downtown. Trouble is big ole me haven't mastered the art of driving so getting there is another food for thought. Still just the very fact that I would spend some part of my week with other adults surrounded by books or discussing books is making my grin wider than a cheshire cat's.

Life as a 100% home maker... Good Lawd!

2008-09-08T08:11:00.000-07:00

First I have to give kudos to all the 100% home makers out there. You women are fabulous and for those who like me are not naturally inclined to be one then double kudos to you alright.

Having quit my job and moved countries to embrace my role as wife and mum solely for the rest of the year, I arrived a few days ago and it's been challenging to say the least. I tell myself, 'it's early days, don't beat yourself up' whilst thinking 'I think I bit more than I can chew'.

The thing is my fine man is one of those super duper dads. The type that believes you need to bathe toddlers at least twice daily.Yeah he does! So you can imagine the standard I have to try and meet (thankfully negotiation is one of my strengths and we are ditching some of those standards with immediate effect).

When you add that to the fact that we just moved into a bigger house that needs some work and Tio starting Pre-kindergaten tomorrow. You kinda think I am toasted right? Still I am not giving up hope or wistful thinking one of which is that some nice neighbour who realises we've just moved in will bring us cooked stuff and offer us her cleaning services - I think Bree from desperate housewives springs to mind.

Oh well, enough of my moaning... I still have x amount of boxes to unpack but before I leave you let me attempt to make you laugh by sharing an incident that occured yesterday afternoon.

You see we just laid new carpets in the house and my fine man being a 'neat neat' kind of person has been stressing the importance of not staining the carpets - as I do not want an arguement I refrain from reminding him that we have two toddlers in the house.

Anyway, there we were eating rice at the dining table yesterday and of course Tio and Sunshine kept spilling their food as children do. I could see my fine man trying not to verbally scold them. He succeeded for a while and then he suddenly got up and began to pick the grains one after the other as they dropped. It was comical especially as my smart'uns asked ' what are you doing daddy?'. I could not laugh then but I do so now! Lol. Hope that amused you too. Now I really must go unpack another bag because Bree ain't coming however much I will her to.

Wanderlust...do you have it too?

2008-09-07T04:52:00.000-07:00

I do big time. In an ideal world, I would be a travel journalist and see a new country every few months. Still, I can't complain. Life's worked things out for me that I have been able to visit a few places.

The thing I enjoy most about travelling is that you get to be someone else for a bit - or am I the only one that suddenly speaks differently and tries out new things just because?

During my most recent trip which was only a few days ago, I planned who I would be- damsel in distress. Don't be alarmed. Just think whats the point of being yourself with people you would probably never see again? See? Thats exactly why I do it. Besides on this occassion I had so much luggage, I needed to play the part of a 'femme fragile' so able bodied men could spring up to my aid.

I checked in online got to the airport on time and boarded early. I normally chat up whoever seats with me on the off chance that they would be helpful later on at the baggage reclaim. Unfortunately for me, I was sat alone but getting through immigration on arrival took so long my baggage was already off the baggage wheel by the time I was ready - thank God for that!

Still as I had to complete the rest of the journey by train and I had more luggage than the train company would normally allow, I knew my acting skills were still needed. A broken nail later, I arrived at the train station looking somewhat harrassed and immediately one guy stood up to help me with one of the bags all the way to the counter where another one made sure my baggage was not even weighed. I could not believe my luck and I thanked both men profusely.

The first one went back to his seat but the other inched closer to me and said 'Ma'am, I got your back, now that would be $120.00.' Without further ado, the negotiatior in me rose up and haggled the price down to $24 quid ~ that guy had no intention of letting me go without paying ~ and that was less than I would have had to pay if my stuff were properly weighed.

Then the train ride was so long during which possibly every customer service rule out there was broken. If any of you reading this had seen me at some point you would have thought I was playing the role of the angry passenger only I wasn't! Needless to say, at the end of this last trip, it's sure to be a while before I embark on another journey wanderlust or not.

Before I fly away...

2008-09-02T00:52:00.000-07:00

I am one of those people who try to do as much as is possible in a day and then some more particularly if it involves seeing friends and family.

True to my nature, I packed my last week in London with activities. I suddenly decided I had to see Paris one more time before jetting off to the US of A. So inspite of my unresolved too many baggage problems and shipping plans that I had not firmed up, I hopped on the Eurostar early Sunday morning.

Saturday had been another hectic day. I was out shopping all day - last minute bits and bobs to pick up.... plus an irresitible urge to see bluewater one more time. Nostalgia ain't necessarily a bad thing people.

Anyway back to Paris. I arrived as planned and there he was M.DL waiting to pick me at the station as my friend Mme.DL had assured me he would be. I tried to ressucitate my dying french vocab and I stumbled my way through for a while until I remembered M.DL speaks fluent English so we generally switched languages ...besides how was I expected to keep up the flow when we were talking about importing and exporting cars, Nigerian politics and fish and chips in quick succession - not even Village prepares one for that!

The days I spent with them were enjoyable to say the least. I cooked my signature meal on one of the days - Fried Rice - using basmati rice! I think my best meal there was Ravioli with Emmental cheese - not sure why because I usually do not like cheese but there you go.

On one of the occassions when I had a one to one with Mme.DL she shared that perhaps the biggest difficulty they face is not in the difference of their culture/language but in their preconceived ideas of how one should complement the other. I smiled because again, I find that we all face the same struggles - yes even my Franco-Nigerian family.

Something else that struck me was the consistent dinner times and the whole setting of the table business. It reminded me of days gone by when I sat between my sister and brother, opposite my other brother , who sat beside my Mum and Dad as we ate, joked, traded food and bonded.

Yeah, the biggest souvenir from this trip was not to forget these little things that matter and I am certainly going back to revive it chez moi... mainly because of the memory building but also because the DLs would be visiting us next summer (lol).

Anniversaries.... 7 years on!

2008-08-28T01:39:00.000-07:00

It's my 7th year wedding anniversary today and I feel a need to post about it particularly as I am at crossroads and decision making is rather difficult. The last 7 years have been pretty much like this:

Years 1 - 4 - Eldorado albeit across the ocean to begin with. Love is a wonderful thing! Why did I not get married even earlier? You know that phase. My eyes sparkled in every picture we took during this period.

Years 5 & 6 - Tio and Sunshine breezed into our lives. What a huge responsibility! We are still reeling. I am still overwhelmed at the opportunity to love so much and oh to be a part of creation. Wow!

Year 7 - A difficult year in many ways... allow me to skip details.

Year 8 - we just started it and I am thankful for many things ... including making it thus far and still forging on... I am confident I do not want a repeat of the ups and downs of last year... wondering how to find the solution to some of the unresolved issues... and continuing to learn to follow My fine man's lead... even when it's literal.

Okay, let me tell you here and now that this I think has been my most difficult post. I have been rewording it for several days and finally I found the message I am trying to share on one of my trips as I sat with an old English couple who were holding hands and laughing. They were talking with another woman who mentioned that she had been married for 44 years and after the lady walked away they said we're longer than them. Intrigued I asked them how long they had been married and they said 46 years. I saw the woman's eyes still sparkling and I watched the man beaming at her . We chatted for a while and I learnt one thing.

The key to a successful marriage continues to be committment. Quoting the man ' you put more energy in your relationship and less in distractions and diversions; you will find your life will be so enriched.' No greener grass out there people we only need to keep watering our own and keep the slugs out.

Oh by the way, they did not neglect to say the first 10 years were the most difficult ones so let me end this by saying Happy Anniversary to us! 7 years is no mean feat I tell you.

Long Weekends -who needs them -eh?

2008-08-25T13:22:00.000-07:00

Of all the things we plan to do during long weekends, we often forget what I consider to be the most important one - rest. This last bank holiday weekend see just how much I FORGOT!

I clocked off work at 5pm friday evening and was home 5.05 relishing the thought that I had 3 full days to myself. I slept very late as a consequence and then woke up early saturday morning because I had arranged a trip outside london. The journey was topsy-turvy what with the rail replacement buses in between and when I arrived along with an Aunt and 5 young cousins it was obvious we had to fill our bellies before deciding what sort of family fun thing to do together. You should have seen all 10 of us trying to fit round a table at KFC.

Several hours of bowling, car racing, mountain cimbing and dancing later, I embarked on the return journey that was similar to the outward one. I got home just before midnight absolutely exhausted and then remembered I had given my word to someone about fellowshiping in their church on sunday. Well, I was up again at about 4am when I got a text from this someone saying church time had been brought forward to 8.30am. I groaned so loudly I am pretty sure my next door neighbour must have stirred in his sleep. So sunday began with me groggily dragging my feet to this service where I eventually got roped into leading worship - I know!!!

As if I was not having a mad enough long weekend, I had arranged to have lunch with another friend at the 02 on Sunday afternoon so from the service I went to meet up with the friend. As it was our first meeting in about 10 years we took our time over everything. Then decided to go and watch a movie and after the movie decided to end the night with a bang by attending some all night party somewhere at the Docklands.

So we went back to mine so I could get dressed and left for her hotel room a few hours later which was next door to the party venue. We decided to nap a while because it was only getting to 11pm and this bash was not officially starting until midnight. Well, we woke up at 4am when the party was over. I got back home at 7am feeling like I had been run over by a truck.

I slept until midday and then got a call from a cousin that there was another party miles from me... common sense told me I needed my beauty sleep afterall it was now Monday evening and my weekend had shrunk to hours. While I won't change any of the events (except the sleeping off and missing the party part). It got me thinking - who needs them long weekends anyway?

They come and go and you're all the more tired for it!

Don't you f****ing disrespect me!

2008-08-17T13:02:00.000-07:00

At a birthday party this weekend, I was sat on the same table as a mixed race couple. The woman, English, the man, Nigerian and they had this beautiful baby girl which everyone on the table kept holding... everyone but me that is - yeah I still don't do other people's kids.

Anyway, I noticed the woman had become quite African in that she was not only dressed in the aso ebi, she knelt down to greet just about every elderly person that so much as came around our end. I was taken in by the way she got up and served this man his food even though it was a buffet aka 'serve yourself'. However, all Mr Man was interested in was his booze. He did not once offer to carry their crying child whenever she stood up to get him another one of whatever he asked for.

First he drank all the guiness on our table and there must have been at least 6 bottles, then his obviously unmarried friends came over with more liquer and he continued to down all. 4 hours later, Mr man was still at it. He even began to use the plastic jug that was distributed as souvenir as his glass because it could contain more.

I was getting slightly irritated at this time but since his Missus did not seem to disapprove I thought I better mind my business and ignore his side even though he was getting louder and louder in speech with every sip. Then he stood up and began to dance. His steps, sometimes out of rhythm as he continued to drink.

At 10pm when the party ended, we happened to leave at the same time. We were approaching the car park, when his friends re-appeared this time with Whiskey and he poured some into a plastic cup. His Missus who had silently watched him the whole evening and never said a word when she had to go and change the baby and make baby's food now approached him and said 'it's okay, you have had enough, leave it.'

No, not Mr Man. His eyelids widened as if he had just been slapped. He argued and insisted that His Missus would drive. She pleaded with him but he did not listen. I could see that she was embarassed and angry as her cheeks turned red. Still, Mr Man was drinking. Missus decided to save face and walked away then out of the blues she turned back and shouted.

'Don't you F****ing disrespect me!

As if on cue, Mr Man dropped his drink and went to the car with her. I imagined they argued all the way home but I was secretly proud of her. She put her foot down... albeit a little late... still better late than never they say. I wonder how many women would have done the same or worse?

Blind Dates!

2008-08-15T11:27:00.000-07:00

Not unlike Cilla Black, I sometimes try to play cupid... okay many times.. it does not always work but it has worked once before so...

So one of my friends (Nima)who's been out of the dating scene for a while was set on a blind date with this guy(Ash). They had all been on a group outing before - to a concert and so Nima knew who she was being matched with and she liked the idea ... Ash is hot!

The day arrived that they would go on their date and Nima's car broke down so she had to recruit the chauffeur services of the matchmaker to get to the restaurant. Somewhere between getting ready, looking smashing and traffic lights, Nima ended up arriving late to the restaurant and wondered if Ash would still be there.

Well, he wasn't... he had been there thrice and thankfully left a message at the door for her that he would be back otherwise, I am pretty sure Nima the dating newbie would have withdrawn.

Anyway here's the lowdown on their evening together :

Food: They both ordered lasagne - one was chicken; the other was beef. The waiter mixed up their food but they were so enthralled in eachother and in their conversation that they did not even notice until they had finished eating.

Facts: They got to know as much as it is possible to know about the other person in hours and Nima found some of Ash's answers striking chords in her about areas she could improve on.

Future: Clearly this was a well made match and they hit it off greatly... so there would definitely be a second date.

When the bill was brought, Nima forgot to play the part of the modern woman and so did not offer to pick up part of it. Ash did not seem to mind. They walked out together still talking. The evening ended early because Nima's 'chauffeur' arrived too quickly but not before the all important number exchanges and lots of lingering looks as they chatted outside the restaurant.

Why is it then that 6weeks later Nima is still waiting for Ash to call? Wouldn't I just love to know what Ash is thinking right now. Has anyone got any ideas? Should Nima just forget it and go on another date? How long is too long to wait for that call back anyway? I'm out of the dating scene so if you can help please do because this long silence is denting Nima's dating esteem and she sure would like to know what next?

Money management... the other benefits!

2008-08-09T17:16:00.000-07:00

I have always been fascinated with figures even though I am relatively poor at Maths. As I grew older, I learnt that I am more interested in figures that have got a currency sign against it. To this end, I find my self poring over my bank statements and several spreadsheets trying to work out a better budget month on month or just any better saving techniques I can apply. Here are a few tips I have learnt along the way:

1. Pack that lunch bag and while you are at it pack 2fruits and a yoghurt if you like dairy like I do. For the last 5 years I have packed my own lunch to work or gone home for lunch (my work is 5mins walk from home) except when having a meeting where lunch would be provided, someone takes me out for lunch or I want to I indulge myself (but thats so far apart). I am not going to work out what financial savings you make by doing that (there are too many money sites that do that already) Instead, I will tell you the other benefits

You know exactly what you are eating and how it was made
You don't get to throw your food in the bin seconds after the first spoon because it was tasteless, undercooked or over cooked as the case may be
You choose your own portion
You stick to your diet if you have one

2. Do bulk buying. By this I do not mean buy all the 'buy one get one free' items or buying unnecessary things. I simply mean buy twice as much as you would normally need for a month and then freeze them. For example: I am a spuds lover so what I do is I buy the 5kg potato sacks and peel them all and freeze them. I never have to go back for potatoes again for months. I freeze bread, milk, pepper you name it. If I use alot of it and it can be frozen, then I do.Again, this is not just about saving money as much as it is about the other benefits:

You never run out of items like milk which I tell you can be so annoying when your bowl of cereal is sitting on the table and your stomach is rumbling - I think I once tried cereal with blackcurrant squash before -yuck!
You are more organised- some of us are not naturally organised and this system works. It certainly impresses my friends when they see my freezer with already peeled/washed labelled bags of items or the amount of already cooked food I have frozen.
It saves time when you want to cook them. With spuds for example, simply take a bag out of the freezer in that frozen state, stick it in a pot, place on the burning hob and voila boiled potatoes in minutes - no more seemingly endless peeling every few days. Its the same when you have guests over. Simply pop open the freezer and out springs a variety of already cooked dishes that can be microwaved in minutes.
Your kitchen is neater. No need for those 3 tier storage thinghys that normally house veggies because your freezer steps in and takes that spot. Okay so it does not quite work with somethings like -plantain unless you love soft plantain. It works for most though.

3. Use your brain and play the banks. Yep! One of my favourite online game is the one I play with banks. I spent time a few years back during a financially difficult period to research banks. I discovered those who give loans and ask for the first payment to be made in 3 months. I discovered those who give credit cards on 0% on money and balance transfer for between 6 - 15months. I also discovered those who let you have x amount of overdraft free for up to 120 days. Then the games began. The first one is simple:

You take out the loan and stick it in an online saver account(I prefer that) for 2.5 months and then pay back the loan bang on 3months(no interest paid) but you have accrued something in your savings account.

This works best when you do money transfers from credit cards as they are for longer periods and so you earn more. I have been playing this for a few years and it's worked brilliantly for me. The key is checking all the accounts regularly (I check daily) so you do not forget any payments etc. The other benefits of this include:

You feel smart - and you are! Unless you forget to make a payment and get stung as it has happened to me before on a trip to a certain West African country when I could not just get online and when I finally did; I was petrified that 'yahoo yahoo' boys may get my details I decided against making the payment (by the way you can get out of late payments too but I won't let out all my cards just yet)
You get excellent customer service from the bank where you are always in credit. Which brings me to the next game which I call juggling banks. You rotate the banks in which you take out the credit etc So that everytime you get back round to anyone of them they are happy to give you the advance. You however stick to the same bank for your savings.
You feel great because you finally have some savings somewhere and you can decide to further build it up as I do with regular contributions from your pay. Then you also decided which debts to knock out first.
You get to borrow friends and family money because you always have. It may mean not paying in some money into your savings in a month but we all have our weak points and I am a sucker for people in need I can't just resist the urge to lend anyway you make sure they pay back in time to fit into the scheme and very recently I have been making them pay the same/more interest as my savings account would have given.

At the end of the day we all have to find whatever works for us. I think I found mine with these games I invented and I am the Queen of the games at the minute. Sometimes it's tough to keep up with the different passwords and pins but I manage so if I can do it you sure can.

CAUTION: No 3 here requires that you have a paid job and earn up to certain amounts before you get all those advances. Do not even go there if you can't trust yourself to make the payments when they are due as this is also the quickest way to get drowned in debts. A word is enough for the wise :)

How do you stay happy?

2008-08-09T16:52:00.000-07:00

BH asked me this question on her 15th wedding anniversary early last month. We had been chatting happily about marriage, children and I was gushing on about how it's fantastic that they have reached this milestone when she paused and asked 'how do you stay happy? It's so hard.' I was stomped. Like every marriage I knew they had experienced some difficult patches but hey they got through them so I was totally unprepared for her question. I eventually mumbled something about how one focuses on the good things and however hard it is one has to keep at it and we drifted back to simpler topics.

Today, however, this question popped up again during my 3hour visit to a friend in Reading. It transpired that the long and short of the call out was she wanted to know how to be happy. She is considering marrying someone which could mean being cut off from her family because she thinks marriage would make her happy (I doubt that she is in love with the guy... not that this is indispensable in marriage anyway... but that's story for another day). Again I said something in the lines of the above but as I could not get it off my mind I figured I would post about it and give deeper answers (hopefully).

How does one stay happy?

Five pointers:

Focus on the good and beautiful things in life. I can't overemphasis this. The truth is there is so much competition and comparison out there. The ones we do in our heads are the worst ones because we silently belittle ourselves and open the door to twinges of sadness.
Envy no man... that leadeth unto insomnia and as above more sad twinges.
Let God... this I think is the most important one. Incase you don't know how to, it's finding your weary soul's retreat - for me it's blasting great gospel music and dancing until I begin to laugh or cry - it could be anything really, but it has to involve letting your guard down and totally leaning on His everlasting arms; at the end of it, I bet you'll be cracking a smile. No one know our needs more than our creator.
Refocus - most times what we are sad about is a result of how our mind thinks and we will still be sad about something else if that was resolved. Example: I am sad because I don't have the type of job I want and then I get this much desired job and I am still sad, now because my pay is not as fabulous as I expected. See? It's a viscious cycle. The way out is to reprogram/refocus our mind which brings me to the last point.
Contentment - this one word would save us all from so many pitfalls. Lack of contentment really shows we think that missing thing in our lives would fix us... well, it never does. One has to learn to be content with every stage one is at, whilst remaining hopeful for a better tomorrow afterall to quote another of my mantras ' a man dies through and through when he loses hope for a better tomorrow.'

Whatever you do folks, stay happy!!!

On Attraction....

2008-07-28T22:47:00.000-07:00

I guess sharing about Cecilia got me thinking about what attracts us to people. Why is there chemistry with some people and not others? I for one have a thing for a man with good set of teeth and oh glasses. Don't ask me why.

I recently attended a wedding and from the onset I could feel a guy's gaze on me. Our eyes met a couple of times and I looked away all the time. Then we got to the reception and I was well ensconsed at one of the back tables stuffing my face with food when you know who showed up and sat beside me. I smiled and asked if we had met before and he said no. We conversed politely for a while. Then he asked where I got my nose as in from my Mum or Dad. I said neither. By the way, I have a nice nose for those who don't know me. It's kind of long and well sculptured. He then asked if it was real and could he touch it. That was a first for me. Anyway, all that staring and him walking over at the reception was because of my nose. Amazing -eh?

So what attracts us to people? I don't know. For some it's mannerism, for others it's looks whatever it is, this much I have learnt; attraction is just that - a pull, chemistry, sparks - not total loss of our self will.

I spent the majority of the night talking with the guy but at the end of the night we did not exchange numbers. Why? For the simple fact that you can't control attraction but you can control your actions...I hope someone's hearing me here... you can be in charge attraction or not.

I am Pregnant!

2008-07-22T06:53:00.001-07:00

Ordinarily these 3 words would have elicited a smile from my lips or a shout or some other response other than shock. I stared at Cecilia my 30 year old friend who has been trying for a baby for 3 years. To make matters worse her husband was transferred to Hong Kong 18 months ago and her last visit was about 5 months ago. I remember because she wept like a baby in my arms when she saw the red visitor a few weeks after that last trip and as I had no words to console her at the time, I did the next best thing I could think of. I opened a bottle of wine and we drowned her sadness in it.

I did not dare ask her who was responsible I guessed it had to be Tboy.We met Tboy and Daniel at a club in the city 3 months ago. On one of our 'solutions to the loneliness we were feeling' outings. Daniel and I became fast friends so did Tboy and Cecilia. They plugged the gaps our absent men were not filling and they were such good conversationalist.

I remember us both talking a few weeks ago that we needed to end the friendships. It felt like Daniel and Tboy knew more about us than our men and quite frankly it was getting uncomfortable. I felt that it was bordering on an emotional affair but she did not think so...

Now she stood in my kitchen deciding what to do about this baby. We talked for 2hours about what a big difference the baby would make in their life but we never broached the subject of the child's paternity.

To my relief, I got a text from her the next day saying it was a false alarm. It got me thinking. I wonder how many Cecilia's are out there. For once in my life, I realised just how those women; you know the ones who always find themselves in messy affairs are not so much different from you and me.

5 points on affair proofing your relationship ...

Avoid undefined close friendships with other men
Ensure your spouse is the only one meeting your emotional needs.
Get busy. It's true that the idle man's brain is the devil's workshop.
Spend more time with your same sex friends.
Get a grip on your thoughts. Our actions are often the fruit of our thoughts so think good stuff.

Remember that however tempting it is to have an affair, it would only bring more headaches and all that scheming and planning involved could be geared into your existing relationship and giving it a good shot. If you have a good relationship surely it's worth not giving up on.

As for Cecilia, she moved permanently to HongKong and is now expecting for real. Don't you just love happy endings?

4 unique work related definitions....

2008-07-18T15:14:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness: Continuing to work with people you loathe without feeling like bashing their noses in whilst screaming 'you two-faced racoons'.

Patience: Seething yet silently, watching your line manager look over spreadsheets you have already looked over 5times.

Bliss: The feeling you get when all those you share an office with are on leave or off sick... finally some alone time to do your work... or surf the net.

Anger: When your line manager sees you typing furiously away on the keyboard and asks 'Are you busy?'

Have you got more? Or can you beat these? If yes, let me have them please.

Commiseration and Condoleance messages...

2008-07-17T02:18:00.000-07:00

As I said in my last post, a friend's wife died during childbirth and the baby died too. Subsequently, the group email has been flooded with lots of messages. I quote some below:

'I find it hard to believe but then it is true! What can we do but pray that the lord will grant the family the fortitude to bear this great loss'.

'This is shocking news, like my friend and sister would say, we can't take God to court. it is well.'

'I dont know what to say or how to start. Am short of words. ****, please be strong'

'The Lord Knows better.***** the Lord is your strength and the pillar of your whole family.'

The one I identified with the most started with 'Na which kind thing be this eh!!!! This our God sef na wa, this is too painful, i really do not know what to say again...'

If only he did not then add '...But i believe God has His reasons'

As if he could hear me say the if only above, he changed tune and the next line read

'...but i guess it is easy for me to say because i am not the person directly involved'.

Ah! If only we could all be this sincere, commiseration and condoleance messages would have more meaning.

As for me I have learnt to stay mute in the wake of such events as to quote another of my mantras ' nothing is better than nonsense'.

Does God give us more than we can bear?

2008-07-16T23:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered if God sometimes gives us more than we can bear. I mean how does he determine what we can bear anyway? Does he mete out our punishment according to our size? Or by the weight of our sins? Or just for his own pure amusement watching and waiting to see when we would snap? Well, if you have then know that you are not alone.

A woman lay by the bedside of her terminally ill 5 year old. The child opened her eyes and said ' Mother am I going to die?' The mother's eyes welled up with tears and refuses to answer this rhetorical question. She longs for a miracle. She is not sure she will get one.What can be said about her plight? What explanation will ease her pain? How much can she bear? How much can anyone bear?

9months ago I watched my 2 year old son in hospital with an unknown illness which caused his stomach to swell up for 8days before the doctors realised it was appendicitis and he had an operation a few days after the appendix had burst. Those days were excrutiatingly painful to say the least and all that kept me going mostly was repeating the statements ' He would not give me more than I can bear' and ' This too shall pass' in my head. I could not even pray. These mantras were my prayers and for some reason God heard.

Last night I heard of the passing of a friend's wife during childbirth. Both mother and child died. Such tragic news. Devastating for us all.

We know that life is but a cycle of good and bad events. What we do not know mostly is which is coming next. We believe that prayer shields us from the bad and that we can somehow confess our ways out of snares. Perhaps... Perhaps not.

Of the three stories above, I was the only one not praying the conventional way and yet I was the only one that came out at the end with the desired result. Now, how can that be explained? Was I any more deserving? Could the others bear more? I don't think so. I am left once again to simply wonder Does God give us more than we can bear? Does He?

Friendship.

2008-07-15T15:10:00.001-07:00

A few things I have learnt about Friendship

It can begin in the most unlikely places and between the most unsual people

It need loads of nurturing or it will fizzle out

It sometimes becomes stagnant and you find yourself wondering how/why you became friends with so and so

It's so time consuming (if it's real friendship) - yes all that calling,talking and visiting...

More often than not between opposite sexs one/both friends fall for eachother...uhmm hm

It can evolve into something more: some friends end up married,others end up becoming closer than siblings.

A few things I have learnt about Friends

They come in different ages, heights, character and all

They can make your life so meaningful

They can frustrate you big time

They can sometimes overstep the boundaries ... I am talking to you guys!!!!

They can not be guaranteed to be there on those days when you are all alone flicking through your phone and wanting to talk to someone ( I know it goes for me too but we all have to deal with it!)

They can hurt you so much and then you forgive.

What is it about the mind?

2008-07-15T14:59:00.000-07:00

...that makes one think mainly of the things one does not yet have?

.... that makes one imagine one's friends are not really so great (just because they made a comment one did not like)

.... that makes one laugh at the bosses' jokes even as one inwarldy thinks'the joke is not even funny'

... that make one grasp the non verbal cues from that person across the room yet one can't hear the words of the person directly beside one?

... that loves snooping and digging for more information so energetically about things that perhaps should be left to lie yet one recoils if accused of being nosy.

... that yearns for more of everything one minute and the next screams overload??!?!?!

..... that makes one feel a need to justify one's self ?

In true 'mind' style may I say not all the above applies to me...(smiling, A'dele).

Bus Conversation...

2008-07-11T15:48:00.000-07:00

I was on a bus the other day on my way to our College's Greenwich Park Centre. I had been told that the Park was near a Police station but for some reason I got off miles early and had to board another bus. On the second bus, I figured it would be pointless if I got off again at the wrong stop so I decided to ask the gentleman beside me. Our conversation went like this:

Me : Hi. Are you familiar with this area? It's just that I need to get off at the Police Station and I do not know where it is.
Him: Oh Yes, I know the police station. I'll tell you where to get off.
Me : Cool thanks. It's not that I am actually going in there or something, I am just going near there ...
Him:(He smiled)I understand. I do not go there myself. I have only been a couple of times. Oh not for myself, just to bail my son. Nothing serious.. incase you are wondering. Just minor stuff...

At this point we both started laughing and I said what we were both thinking ' Why do we feel we have to explain ourselves to eachother? To which we laughed even harder. I got off soon after and as I bade him goodbye we smiled again.

I reflected on this conversation later... particularly on that last part. There we were. Two complete strangers. Chances were we would never meet again yet all we could think of as we spoke was ' I do not want this person thinking I am a sort of criminal'

Uhmmm the way the human mind works.

Mean streak in me...

2008-07-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

This post should have been nice and sweeet. I have just returned from the movies. I saw a nice romantic movie. I should be in a light mood. I should be feeling good.

Then how come I am not?

I think it's because of what happened afterwards when I walked away... knowing it was the wrong thing to do but not caring because I was incensed.

It reminds me of August 2007. The day before. Cycles -eh, they seem to always find me and repeat scences from the past. One would think I would have mastered the act and changed my lines...

Yeah this should have been a nice post possibly reviewing the movie instead it is what it is... me realising there is still a mean streak in me... perhaps in everyone of us.

Inspiration!

2008-07-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

Today I met a published writer. I know... someone who's actually done it. Not a queen of mouth movement like me. Not a procrastinator. Certainly not a start and stop person. It was cool!!!

She was fun to talk with. She shared some tragic tragic tales about seriously suffering women. My heart broke over and over again and I was even more convinced that women go through a hell of a lot in this life than we are ever given credit for.

For all the suffering women -

I bowed my knees this evening
Whisphered from my heart to the Father .
I asked:
Would you please make a way for these ones?
Would you please let them not return to the places where they have been bruised and battered?
Above all else, can you help me and others such as me who keep planning to do something... to actually start doing it? Whatever it is.
Can you let us not stop at being 'ideasful' Lord?
Can these typed words materialise into some sort of helpline/lifeline/support line for these suffering women maybe tomorrow, next week, next month, next year sometime.
I asked for these things in Jesus name.

Yeah, I enjoyed the time with the author. Not sure what part was my favourite bit but I sure liked the fact that she prayed in that little coffee shop just before we stood to leave.

I was inspired to continue to write. To continue and not give up.

Surely there is an end..

2008-07-09T14:00:00.000-07:00

Yet another day has gone and I have had to answer more 'when are you joining your family' questions.

My head aches, my throat hurts, my heart is heavy and my spirit is just a little weary.

Surely there is an end...

The weather matched my mood today, it rained and stopped then drizzled some more, dark clouds hung in the sky as I dragged my muddy shoes into the house

Surely there is an end...

My eyelids flutter, tears threaten, my lips are quivering and my mind is just a little poorly

Surely there is an end...

This gloomy day is almost over, not sure if tomorrow won't be another, sleep is calling, I won't resist; I'll close my eyes and dream

Surely there is an end...

This whole credit crunch thing.

2008-07-08T05:33:00.000-07:00

I just read yet another piece on the UK facing recession because the US is smarting under the effects of the credit crunch.

Well, whilst I can already feel the pinch in the rising cost of food prices, I am wondering why these articles are not suggesting way forwards. It brings to mind a conversation I recently had with Kiks. We discussed everything from our friends' homes which are being repossed, to whether we should be buying another property at such a time like this and the impact all these would have in Africa. We ended agreeing that the fall of the US economy would have a ripple effect on all other countries ~ indeed the rest of the world.

Nevertheless, I have been thinking it might not be such a bad thing. From time immemorial, people have been known to make wealth during crisis. The key is to find the need. I think that's what we should be looking for ~ ways to make the economy continue to boom and all.

I think that the downslide of the US economy could be an opportunitiy for other countries to rise. Though I am somewhat skeptical about whether African Nations would seize the opportunity (given our track record). However, I do believe that for Nigeria, it is time for us to get back to the farm. To me, Agriculture is going to become the new Crude oil.

Now,this is the sort of stuff I would love to read so yeah I have written it. Enough of the gloomy stuff with no proferred solutions...

On Money and Opportunities!

2008-07-07T02:33:00.000-07:00

A work colleague told me a true story about her daughter(LJ). Here it goes:

One Wednesday a while ago LJ gets to work and is called into the office by her line manager and her manager's manager. She is somewhat concerned and tries to wrack her head for any 'booboo' she might have made in the last few days. It transpired that she had made none and it was a meeting where her performance was praised and as compensation she got a pay rise of £4.5k back dated for 6months.

Same day, she went off to TM Lewin in the City to get a shirt (on behalf of her team) for a colleague who was leaving the company. At TM, she was told to drop her business card as they would be doing a draw at the end of the day and give a shirt to the lucky winner. Needless to say, LJ won the shirt.

As if these were not enough, LJ got home and in her post that night was a letter from a magazine saying that she had won a bottle of bubbly from some competition she entered the month before.

My colleagues's one regret was that LJ did not play the lotto that day? She may very well have won as she clearly was on a roll.

PS: Only recently, LJ got even luckier when she sold a piece of jewellery for £80k above the cost price. I know! I know!! Is she the only one?????

Key points I learnt from this story:

There's something called fate in life and it happeneth to us all.
The Law of sowing and reaping works for all regardless of your spiritual beliefs. LJ is a generous person and it's like people say ' what goes around comes around.'
We all won't have windfalls like this some of us in fact neverwill. Suffice to say for some of us it's with our hands we will have to work and painstakingly save to get wealth.
Whatever you find in your hand to do; do it with all your might (LJ could have been sacked as easily as her pay was bumped up if she had been underperforming).
Opportunities come and go so seize them whilst you still have them.
Be nice and flexible sometimes volunteering to do the little stuff brings the big stuff your way( LJ won't have got the shirt if she hadn't offered to buy the gift for her colleague).

Bottom line: we all need money; we all want fabulous opportunities; the way to go is to constantly improve one's self and get better at whatever one does( I personally call it being better than one's previous best). Believe me it works!

Immigration stress!!!

2008-07-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in a previous post (I think in April) that my fine man and the children are living apart from me at the moment. I am in UK whilst they are in the States and the separation is beginning to take it's toll on me.

My eyes ache constantly from the sleepless nights caused by the phonecalls and webcam times which is bang in the middle of the night when I need my beauty sleep. Every month round about the 25th, I wake up as early as I can so as to be able to log on to the US immigration site and check for status updates. The status has remained unchanged for the last 4months!!!! I can hardly make any plans. I used to pride myself that I plan ahead sometimes 4 to 5 years ahead but on this one I am afraid 'no can do'.

It is stressful to say the least and then I have to deal with people's insensitive comments.
Only last week someone said ' you are enjoying o, you abandoned your children with their Daddy.' I could only stare at them quizzically thinking ' are you for real?' Oh and there are those people who seem to enjoy saying ' I can never live without my husband o'. It's always on the tip of my tongue to say ' is that how needy you are?' or even to simply slap them until they shut up. Instead, I say, 'it's not easy but you just have to get on with it, what's a gal to do anyway?'

I had a particularly difficult few minutes last night as I posted my daughter's birthday greeting and tears threatened to flow but I caught myself after a few drops and refused to cry myself to sleep again.

I woke up this morning and began a conversation with my sister which led to my mentioning that several people believe my children are better off with my husband and she said she believed so too. Whilst this may be true on one hand, on the other hand do people have to rub it in my face? I felt awful hearing it. I wanted to shout, I am not a bad mother!!!

Its almost the end of the day as I write and I still can not get that outta my head. I wonder if my children will grow up thinking of me as the one who abandoned them albeit for a little while. Would they see me as webcam mummy? Afterall, they ask 'mummy why are you in the computer?' Sunshine's big brother Tio sometimes says ' come out of the computer mummy' each word searing painfully through my already aching heart. Each pain leaving me wondering when all this will end.

I try to be optimistic and make the best of the time but sometimes it all seems so unfair. I think my fine man could have done this move thinghy better but as we can't change the past I guess there's no point going back there.

I have really had enough and it'obvious from my consistent feeling of tiredness. Small wonder I bought an aromatheraphy destressing bath foam today!!!!

I am tired of being tired and praying about the same thing. To borrow one of my mum's sayings 'Eti Oloun o di now, ewo ni adura adura lori nkan kan' meaning God's not deaf so why the constant praying over the same thing(no offence to those who disagree with this).

I just hope, pray and believe that both Tio and Sunshine will not remember me as some temporary mummy who comes and goes... I think someone said we do not remember much of our childhood earlier than 4years right? I am crossing my fingers tightly hoping this is true since they are both under 4... I think I will cross my toes too.

Okay so I procrastinate!

2008-07-05T17:11:00.000-07:00

It's been several months since I posted here and though I have had no real excuse I can only say that I guess my mission for the year is not yet taking root.

I will try and be better.

I will! I will!! I will!!!

Still this is my 4th post tonight so... I am trying....

Anyway, alot has been happening to me yet so much has remained the same.
I want to desperately write about the things but I can't find the words.
I guess I will retire to my single bed and dream
Tomorrow... I will find words to at least begin.

Being a birth partner!

2008-07-05T16:51:00.000-07:00

Today my friend Kiks went back to Nigeria with my Godson, A'dam. I miss them so much already. He's only a few weeks old and I think I got to be his Godmum because I was Kiks birth partner.

You see, her husband could not make it and we had this agreement that I would be the one there when she delivered. I was ecstatic. I could hardly wait for the day and when the day came. I arrived at the hospital and supported her through wave after wave of contraction pains. I watched Kiks groan, cry and whispher aloud that she could not go on but somehow with my words and silence, she found strength and had the baby. The exprience for me was perhaps more overwhelming than I thought it would be.

Although I have 2 children, I have never been a 'birth partner' before so it was new to me. I felt drained afterwards and gosh did I bond with this boy! I did things for him that I did not do for my own children at that age. Of course Kiks thinks I am the best that there is (especially as I took a few weeks off work and stayed with her(in UK that is a big deal), waking up in the night with her, feeding and bathing the baby etc etc) and whilst this may be so, I did it frankly more for the l'itl one than for Kiks.

Some people have commented that Kiks would not do the same for me. Others have marvelled at my comittment and sacrificial giving to my friend. I think it's mainly because I had experienced those first few weeks of putting to bed 2ce myself and I know it is much better to have someone with you and so I made that decision long before she even asked me that I will be there for her.

So even though being a birth partner was harder than I thought and the weeks that followed were exhausting for me, I would do it again because the crunch line is 'life is too short to not render what ever help you can to someone in need'.

And so my little girl turned 2!

2008-07-05T16:35:00.001-07:00

Just like that 24 months have sped by. I remember how worried I felt when I found out that you were inside me. Worried that I had barely grapsed the whole process of motherhood and voila you were there when your older brother was only 6months (Ok so I didn't do family planning).

I remember the weeks of confusion that followed, the joy as I got my head round it, your birth and the stressful weeks right after, what with your severe jaundice and subsequent dehydration. I remember the scary nights at Hilton, in Washington when you coughed and I was convinced it was pneumonia. I remeber travelling across countries with you when you were just over 2 weeks.

I remember the skin problems (which have now thankfully disappeared) and how I worried at how quiet a baby you were. 'Is she ok?' I would catch myself wondering after hours alone with you and you just stayed where ever you were even at 10/11months.

I remember your 1st birthday and that big beautiful bash we had for you. I remeber the way you cried Mummy only a few months ago when I had to leave you again.

I remeber so much my darling daughter and I marvel at how time has fled past. 24 months later Sunshine, I wish you a Happy Birthday. You bring so much joy to our lives; so much brightness just like the sun. You light up my day babe and though I am not able to be physically there with you today my little sunshine know that you are loved and wished the very best and also that I am praying for you every moment I'm awake.

Loving you as you celebrate your 2nd birthday.

Your Momma

Sorry Sis!

2008-07-05T16:22:00.000-07:00

I discovered today my sister Deedee has a blog. I read a lot of it and the love she has for me, mine and the family overwhelmed me really; particularly as I have not been so good to her tonight.

Well, you see, I don't live in Nigeria and she is visiting me. I stay in a single room, and explained to her that we would take turns sleeping on the bed whilst the other person would sleep on the floor.

Of course it's my turn tonight and wanting to be a smart ass as usual, I suggested we both shared the single bed tonight( don't crucify me, I am just very tired) anyway, she got angry and switched to the floor saying ' sheybi you will visit me in Nigeria' to which I retorted - 'you forget that I do not have to stay in your house' ( yeah I know MEAN!) and she said next time she too won't stay with me( which will break my heart in truth) but I guess I brought it on myself.

Well, I am here now and though it would make more sense to just tell her sorry, I'll rather do it here because:

We are quite head strong in my family and so she won't listen
She's fast asleep on the duvet on the floor already
I have not posted for ages and this I can post
Okay - I can be a chicken sometimes

Anyway, sister dearest I am sorry and tomorrow and all the other nights you can have the bed - really!!!!

Tempations ~ and why do they come anyway?

2008-04-09T05:21:00.000-07:00

I am naturally a loyalist to the core and because I am also absolutely reliant on God I tend to always choose right over wrong most of the time and I stick to my choices preferring to make the best of what I have instead of dreaming of what I do not have. Ordinarily that is.

Well, sometime ago I found that I was just dissatisfied with my life and I wanted something more. Trouble is I did not even know what it was I wanted so confusion set in. I began to think of everything that I did not have and wanted out of my life ( Oh no; not in the dying kind of way).

I have the best man anyone could ever dream of (he is God's gift to me). He thinks I am absolutely adorable even when I am having a bad hair day and wearing an old threadbare gown which I am planning to let go when it clocks 10years in a few months.

He thinks, I am smart and gorgeous and in his eyes I can do no wrong. Fancy him making excuses for me when I err!!!!! Well, if that was all, it would be enough right; but there is more he absolutely adores our children. I think having them sort of completed him.

We are living apart at the moment because we are in the process of relocating and guess who has the children. Uhm hm my fine man!

I have given all this background so that you will see why I have no reason to be disatisfied yet there I was tossing and turning in my bed thinking of ways to be content and failing miserably. Was I outta my mind?

Then it hit me! I was not crazy and better still I also was not alone. Many others like me have been tempted and I had to make a choice whether to cave in to the nagging thoughts that ran through my head a good example being 'there must be more than this' (I tell you, if you say that to yourself enough times you will believe it).

Or I could choose to find a way of dealing with things and coming out of it in one piece.

To cut the story short, I came out in one piece! I however felt a need to share how I did it so that others who may be going through similar can draw strength here.

3 Key points I learnt about why temptations come. They come because:

There is always someone out there who has something you wish you had or/and there is that one thing you did have but you lost and you sort of still long for. Bottom line your situation can always be better if only...

Hey, life would be so boring without them. Just imagine it for a second. No new job to be chasing after. No reminiscising until you cry over some old school flame? No fluttering feeling in your tummy that you can still pull after xyz years of marriage and abc number of children. Come on where is the thrill in that?

Like trials, temptations would show you your strengths and weaknesses in a way that nothing else could so it's a learning curve which we can't avoid really you know it's part of that thing we do called living.

3 Key ways to fight them off:

Take one day at a time and everyday focus on the good stuff. Whatever is good in your life think of it. Soak your thoughts in it and you will begin to feel it.

Think about the past and how good things were and let that motivate you to get back there and set higher ' happiness records'. Determine to be more content than the most content you have ever been.

This is like a double barrel one. Resolve that God will not give you more than you can bear and that it is only a phase, it will pass and make it your business to find the way for it to do just that.

Believe me it does pass and then one day you will look back and think whatever was wrong with me in the first place?!?!?!?! - until the cycle begins again of course.

Remember whatever you do, however way you are tempted, the grass is not really greener at the neighbours, you have a choice and the onus is on you to make the responsible choice, you can choose not to act on it!

2008 - A New Beginning or not?

2008-01-16T07:12:00.000-08:00

This Year - my one aim... my goal is to become a better me. I want to start what I think will be a gruelling process by changing one thing ...my mind!

Yeah. I need a new mind.

I need to change how I think ~ you know my complete thought process!

My Past
I complain a lot about things ~ speaking my mind and getting people hurt by being too direct.

Example
We are at a party and the food is bad. I would say to those on my table. Is this food bad or am I the one? If I get an affirmative response then I could be quiet. If I get a contrary respone or none, I'll go on about how everyone has an opinion and question the silence of others. See? I need to change that.
Was the food bad? Yes.

Did I need to say it? Not at all.

My Present
I will quit complaining and try to have a positive outlook on things. Yes I would quit moaning about everything that is not going the way I would like it or people who just don’t do things the way I would like them to. I will adopt a positive frame of mind and only say positive things.

No sooner had I made up my mind about this when the phone rang. It was my best friend from my University days.
‘Happy New Year’ she said.
‘Happy New Year to you too’. Kiks

Have you made any resolution? She asked.
Well, yes. I replied Actually, I won’t be complaining anymore. I mean I intend to keep my complaints to the minimum.
Well A’dele, it’s either you do it or you don’t you know.

Kiks are you alright? I blurted out. It’s taken over 2 decades and half to get the way I am and you are expecting me to just change in one day? It’s not like I even complain a lot anyway. I just think it’ll be nice to be a better person. So don’t even start.

A’-D-E-L-E! I was only saying…

Well, don’t say! Let’s just agree that I’ll take it one day at a time

Talk about no longer complaining uhm?

By the way, it's taking me a while just to complete this post. I wonder if my resolution shouldn't simply have been ' stop procrastinating!' So I ask myself is this my new beginning? Well the answer is simple and it's my advice to anyone reading this. Start small, start slow, you just have to start something to improve yourself so it's definitely a new dawn for me even if it doesn't seem so .

I'll be back with another post sooner than later ~ A